Have you ever signed up for a hard-hitting boy and then went on a schadenfreude trip around all of your favorite leagues looking to see who plans on a certain boy or is he normal? Yesterday, I saw Garrett Crochet I went 1 2/3 IP, 10 ER, 7.58 ERA, and went to the league. “Ooh, you have Crochet? Oh, that’s too bad,” but when I said ‘too bad’ it sounded like I was eating a hot fudge sundae with extra sprinkles. “Ooh, that band has Crochet? What a shame,” but when I said, ‘What a shame,’ it was like a cigarette after sex. “Let’s see who you have in this division? A guy who already has the worst ERA in the league? Well, they can’t celebrate all of them.” So, Crochet was it’s bad it’s bad. It’s hard to find a lede in being ugly. Guys have tried before! German Marquez used to try once a year. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not registering Crochet because I told you not to draw him. The bad news is that he seems lost, not just unlucky. I’m not saying he’s a 7.58 ERA pitcher, obviously, but he looks pretty close to a top 25 starter against a top three starter. That’s a step down. Although, I think he’s healthy, and I would, and I just think a lot of the mechanics can be fixed, then this is a solid low buy. Just give his owners a day before donating something, because the people with him are currently out of the office, for crying out loud. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarren Duran – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his first homer hitting .196. Want to make a Buy low? Yes of course! Who doesn’t? Here’s a big tip: You have to do it before the guy gets hot. One example of Duran, here’s another:
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his first homer, hitting .200. Two weeks does not make a season. If you have people in your league who think it does, you have to use their worst instincts. With that said, Buxton wouldn’t be my first choice for a Buy Low, because his value is entirely dependent on him staying on the field. People commenting on trashing Michael Busch like he didn’t just have a 34 homer season? That is Buy Low. People say things about Vinnie Pasquantino like he’s cooked (al dente, of course) after two weeks. It just makes a little bit of sense. If you were to look at the top hitters for two random weeks in August, it would look weird, too. Some of you don’t remember Ty Wigginton.
Ryan Jeffers – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his second homer, hitting .317. You know what’s funny? I was looking to stream hitters yesterday and I was like a college boy, saying I don’t want any part of the twins. Any hoo! Also, in this game, Victor Caratini (1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 1st home) was rocked and no-hit against Crochet, and Ryan Kriedler (1-for-4) hit 1. Kriedler, Kriedler, Kriedler, I can’t believe you’re kidding.
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.49. The Twins jumped into the lead and Ober sailed out to the Victory Coast for a free night at W.
Tatsuya Imai – Hit IL with a dead arm. lol:
There are two boys left
[image or embed]— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) April 13, 2026 at 10:24 AM
JP France – He’s been called up by the Astros, and he better wrap himself in three hundred pool noodles.
Mike Burrows – 6 IP, 6 ER, 6.55 ERA. Speaking of pool noodles, things are looking good in Houston.
Jeremy Pena – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Astros’ womb is as defiled as Michelle Pfeiffer’s in Scarface. I think the Astros will go with Correa at short most days and that gives Isaac Paredes (2-for-4) everyday ABs.
Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first and second homer. “I’m not sure where the doorknob is, to be honest, but don’t just push that body against the door—Get up! Move! Josh Naylor’s alive!”
George Kirby – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Don’t Kirby your enthusiasm; he is so beautiful.
Agustin Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his first homer. You mean he’s not a bad guy because he wasn’t fit for 16 games in March/April? It’s surprising.
Connor Norby – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and I’m really trying to stretch to see schmotato here, and probably not, but maybe.
Eury Perez – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40 vs. Grant Holmes – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.32. Elias Sports Bureau said, “The last time two starters went 4 IP, 3 ER maybe sometime this year maybe, but someone left Shasta orange on our mainframe computer, and it’s messed up. ERAs be damned, but Eury’s numbers look better than Holmes.”
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .173. I just had a weird thought, it’s going to be nice to remember Swanson ten years after he retires as one of those, “Oh, yeah, remember that guy?” type things. With time to reflect, we will appreciate how silly the name Dansby is.
Javier Assad – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.10. Assad is committing war crimes on dream teams.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. Wait, two Schwarbombs for Assad? We need The Hague to figure this out.
Christopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Did you bet him on NL Cy? I didn’t but I will. Doesn’t that count for something?
CJ Kayfus – Made for children. DeLauter left, so Kayfus ran out of town.
Angel Martinez – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer, and now he’s hitting for the second time. Lordy, I’m very impressed with Angel, but, if nothing else, he’s a hot schmotato.
Brian Rocchio – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his second homer. On the podcast this week, I forgot that Arias was the one who was injured and said Rocchio, and, honestly, nothing else needs to be said about Rocchio.
Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. More like a Walk-on-Water Walker. Thank you for lifting the balls and hearts of millions.
Justin Wrobleski – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Wrobleski’s peripherals are egregiouski. They are heinouski. They are deplorable. They are not good, they are like five ladies of learning. Let’s look at Streamonator.
Aaron is the judge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. You know they say All Rise for Judge? Super corny. Anyway, Luis Arraez should make people do the same and pretend he doesn’t know the Judge’s celebration.
Jose Caballero – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and walks (6). Sorry, I’ve done these things enough to know that we got bouncy balls on Saturday, and, before that, it was a dead ball. Also, in related news, Volpe is three weeks away.
Trent Grisham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his first and 2nd homer, as he pinched, because Paul Goldschmidt (1-for-2, 1 run, hitting .250) was hitting leadoff, then he was hit by Ryan McMahon (0-for-2, hitting .108 for the Yankees Aaron really wins).
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .224. Since my trade, he was hitting .136 with zero homers. But, now he has two. Ignore me, I’m just trying to be cool, go ahead.
Jordan Romano – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40. But no one else can replace him, so Cheese stays in the picture.
Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. He said, “Tonight, Burger is eating!”
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Hopefully, you trusted Bing Bong. I wouldn’t be in the shallow mixed leagues.
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4 and his second homer, hitting .180, as he hit the wire and I think he hit the lead because Kotsay realized it was crackers for Kurtz to hit the wire.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Traded to the Orioles for cash. I hope they get a dollar per letter, depending on what the operator charges. CES should take over the job that Mountcastle, who hit IL’s 60-day streak, had, which is to pitch once every fourth game for 5-7 innings.
Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, as mentioned above. Ooh, who is this little hope? He says here that he could be a number five starter, an innings eater type…Hmm, he says that in his 2018 prospect report.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his second homer. Albombso!
Jeremiah Jackson – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ketel Marte – 2-for-5 with his 3rd and 4th homers. Good for him, but I think it’s more appropriate to ask everyone who didn’t leave Dean Kremer why.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first and second homer. I’m just going to write “Arenado is so washed up, it’s going to take an even more washed up pitcher to give him homers” in the post with this open window–Nooooo!!! The Torenado!
Ryne Nelson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. I looked at Streamonator for his next start, and it’s not clear, because Kelly just came back, but Ryne might get the Jays (lowercase) or the Shite Sox (yay).
Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his first homer. Yes, Horwitz is hot, taxes are due tomorrow. (Anyone? I don’t know, I registered as a foreigner in the 2000s.)
Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in two games. You would be fine if you had a player who beat the Pirates against the Nationals pitcher.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.00. His only mistake was an Orange Juice homer. I hope it was worth the squeeze.
CJ Abrams – 1-for-2 with his 5th homer. I forget where I said it now, but I’ll say it again: Abrams should have been a top 20 actor and is always a top 20/30 actor. The only problem is his average is also about .270+ this year.
Jacob Young – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his second homer, hitting .289, as he struck out five. Have you ever wanted to call him Jacoby Oung? Just me? That’s right.
Cade Cavalli – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.60. Boy, this guy stinks. Sorry, no *pinkie in mouth* Shade Cavalli.
Lenny Sosa – Trade the Jays. That means the Jays have Putin Vladimir/Lenyn in their lineup. If you promote Eloy and trade Sosa, the White Sox to World Series pipeline is alive and well In fact, if you get these guys, then the Jays are trying to make the WS to WS pipeline an infinity loop. When Eloy Jimenez heard this update, he perked up. “Wow? Seriously, are you saying something?” That’s Eloy. With Sam Antonacci’s call, Sosa was immediately serviceable. ACTUALLY, Sosa was useful to Murakami, then again to Acuña, then again to Austin Hays. For whatever reason, the Shite Sox wanted no part of Sosa. The Jays should have plenty of playing time for Sosa, at least initially. As with his moves to AL-Only leagues and mixed 15-team leagues, it depends on how the playing time shakes out.
Noelvi Marte – Made for children. In March, Noelvi’s French Bulldog got into her Doritos. When he saw you, it was too late to take him away. He rushed to the window and grabbed the side of Frenchie’s business through the two story window. As the dog barked, Noelvi turned away while his colleagues laughed. Moments after the dog got loose, Terry Francona stormed into the clubhouse, covered in snack chips. Screaming and wanting to know who did this to him. The whole clubhouse fell silent for Noelvi, then Rece Hinds slowly raised his finger and pointed at him. Or something crazy happened that we don’t know about, because for whatever reason, Noelvi was on Franona’s list.
