Clicking clicks on a calculator that turns the Mets’ starter’s ERA into the other team’s starter’s ERA, and this calculator is built like an old typewriter for some mysterious reason. Licking my finger to get rid of a typo and getting my finger on the ribbon spool and ink on my hands. Manually, you slide the rubber roller up into position, hitting the carriage return lever, and holding it in place. Jumping on the cart to go and tear the paper. Finally, type “Zac Thornton he has a 1.93″ ERA and an amazing return. The typewriter calculator says that on the other team Zac Thornton (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, 1.93 ERA) would have won five Cy Youngs by now. Wow. So, I don’t want to be a hater for the rest of my life, but Thornton had a 4.02 BB/9. You get a little lucky there, if we were all over the place. “a crazy amount” meant “a little bit”.
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer, hitting .213. As he made his way around the bases, he stopped at the desk where his second agent was placed and fielded calls from other front offices. More of a “Yes, I would like to come there” and that particular thing.
Jacob Misiorowski – It will not start again this week. Ugh, if I had known the Brewers were going to give IO Update four innings a week, I wouldn’t have ranked him as a top 100 starter in the 2nd half. This is sad, and it is not clear what their plans are.
Brandon Sproat – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.09. Sprout’s: Trader Joe’s with better parking. Sproat’s: Unusable launcher.
David Peterson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.97. He is an amazing starter in baseball. One start: 3 2/3 IP, 10 ER; another beginning: Not that! That’s right, most times it’s 10 ER starts.
Framber Valdez – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.57. With the Astros struggling, at least pop this bubble out of my sweet teams ass. Well, don’t get me wrong, I dropped him out of my shallow leagues because after all. But in the deeper leagues, where it’s not an option? When Lodolo is done with Blistex, give it to me!
Jack Flaherty – Hit the IL with “this is so you don’t keep picking on him, you know who he is.”
Dillon Dingler – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and third homer in two games. Thank you, Mr. Dingler, sir. I say ‘sir,’ because it’s disrespectful, since I’m dressed as a big poop emoji and I’m your biggest fan.
Tatsuya Imai – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.59. He thought carefully, “That start is good for Grey, I know he has Imai and a beautiful head full of hair.” Yes, but I also have Framber, so it doesn’t matter. What is important?! Nothing! Let’s continue.
Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. This big part 2 was predicted by me! I predicted it! I predicted you all! Am I with him? No, but I’m happy for you, random internet user who benefits.
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .260. Had it been exactly ten days since his last homer?
Joe Mack – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and for the second time in two games I thought, “Is Agustin Ramirez still playing baseball or nah?”
Justin Lawrence – Designed for assignment. His role is to stop walking around the clubhouse saying “Whoa!” as if you were Joey Lawrence.
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, hitting .287. Be careful, Mr. Bentley, fiery Jeffers!
Parker Messick – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Please, if you see a wall, don’t run into it. Go, Parker! Don’t hit the wall.
CJ Abrams – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homers, with four homers in three games. Orange Juice heard Jazz talk about 50/50 and thought, “What a novel.”
Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .280. You’re Moniak, Moniak, that’s true! And he acts like he’s never been hit!
Hunter Goodman – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 31st homer. Rumors are swirling that he might be sold. That’s hard to know how it’s going to affect him, because he’s tough on the road, but Coors… There’s something in the air.
Nick Fortes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .266. Hot schmotato alert!
Yandi Diaz – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .312. In fact, they might as well count it as a third homer because it wasn’t for Patrick Corbin.
Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Throughout the league, the ball is injected with helium, but, before each game, Kevin Cash draws helium from the balls, talks like a Smurf for a few seconds and his pitchers come out and play well.
Kevin Gausman – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 4.51 ERA. His peripherals look good. Do you have a league with xFIP and K-BB%? No? Then who cares? Remove him from your groups!
Justin Wrobleski – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Imagine you have the Dodgers payroll and you get this for a random $790K pitcher from a staff you didn’t expect anything from. He had a 4.32 ERA in the minors last year! He has an under-7 K/9. REALLY, imagine you have a Dodgers payroll and a devil paying for a random soul sale.
Tanner Scott – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2.40 ERA and 15 saves. Amazingly clean save, don’t look for highlights.
Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Max is a Muncist!
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.16. There is a chance that I will put him as the best player next year. It can’t happen! Of course. But you are in the conversation.
Chase Burns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Writing these two options before starting, “Being bad after signing a big contract? Someone wants to play for the Rockies!” Or, “Did he get big after he signed the contract? He probably didn’t sign with the Rockies!”
Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer. I’m crazy about E!
Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer. You reminded me of something, remember when JJ Bleday played baseball? That was fun.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. Just hit 12 to 15 homers in August and 12 to 15 homers in September. 24 to 30 homers, that’s all I’m asking for!
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-2 with his 15th homer, a slow homer, which is what you do with your star in the 2nd half when he’s at his best. You are not the first. As a skeptic Hanson would say, mmmkay.
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Who threw the previous five inning game that allowed him to go back?
Carter Jensen – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer, as he hit the lead off, because my good boy Bobby Witt Jr. he came out with a rash on his back. [licking a pie tin of whipped cream, seeing a box score and Carter Jensen taking my Witt homer] That’s my pie!
Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer and 2nd homer in two games. Yesterday our new writer, who uses the tool, gave you his tale of Jo Adell. I agree with him. I also told you that you bought him last week.
Walbert Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Love how I wrote Framber and Hunter Brown and my trusty friend is Walbert. I love it! It doesn’t make me crazy at all!
Kumar Rocker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. The ball is bouncy-bouncy everywhere, so now it doesn’t seem too crazy for the Rangers to make the field from Arlington, Texas to the Gulf, about 646 miles, according to Google. I almost made Kumar a lede, but I felt against the weather to come to the end and say: The Streamonator. (I know that’s what I did with Thornton. It’s a weird joke, relax. Besides, I didn’t want to talk about how good Kumar is just because the Mets let him go. Enough to put the Mets on, man!)
Brandon Nimmo – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Nimmo got one!
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Someone really wants to sharpen their quad.
Kyle Teel – Hit IL with an ankle sprain. A lost season for this guy…[thinking how this means sleeper status next year, devious smile]…A real shame.
Mike Yastrzemski – 0-for-2 as activated from IL. To make room, the Braves released Kyle Farmer. Lasting forever, Carl’s Jr. Jr. he is a Farmer who will put on the table.
Reynaldo Lopez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 3.95 ERA. I exposed the Elder and he throws well. I start Reynaldo and he does number two. [smacks the computer screen that’s showing my pitchers] Just be normal!
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .220, as he was demoted to 8th on the list. Only seven more years on his contract!
Manny Machado – 2-for-5 with his 21st and 22nd homers, 2nd and 3rd homers in two games. Burn, big ding dong seller!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Save me, Padres! You are my only hope!
Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Okay, he can be hot too, I don’t care. However, it would be nice if the Padres were hot now, so they didn’t trade pieces at the deadline, then freeze again after the deadline. Classic Padres!
Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.95, and a run in his last three games. I like Kevin Ginkel, Juan Morillo or Ryan Thompson, but I doubt Sewald is removed from the closer role. Still, a phantom IL stint wouldn’t be bad.
Kohl Drake – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first big league start. Similar to how that guy changed his name to World B. Free, Drake should change his name to Kohl World or Kendrick V. Drake. I’ll let him decide where it is. In the minors, he had a 4.2 BB/9 and a 6.92 ERA in 66 1/3 IP. It’s Kohl’s world and we’re all just trying to find someone else on Streamonator.
Max Kepler – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his second homer. Someone is dancing again!
Jacob Wilson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, second homer in two games and third homer since halftime. You don’t even need to be on Bing Bong to Bing and/or Bong.
Joshua Kuroda-Grauer – Hit IL during surgery to repair a broken testicle. First, he got an ultrasound on his balls. In layman’s terms (because I was trained for one semester in college), this test on the testicles is, well, imagine a squirrel tapping an acorn and putting it in its ear to see what it does. If the squirrel gives a thumbs up, it means Josh is right. Squirrel thumbs down, again, he needed surgery. That was done by highly skilled squirrels trained for nuts.
