Yesterday, the Yankees’ songwriter reported that Aaron is the judge he was sent to Dallas to see a doctor who specializes in thoracic outlet syndrome (TOS). You know, career-ending injuries. This started a chain of events that went like this: This is DefCon 1, you hear me! DefCon1! Cut the red wire! Or cut the green wire! Or cut both strings! I don’t know the ropes! [staggering around, grabs first can I see, chugs it, realizes it was paint] I welcome the light at the end of the tunnel! But Aaron Judge just broke his rib and was out for six weeks. Wait, how did this turn into good news? Did that Yankees hit writer bring up that story about TOS just to freak everyone out so that when we heard the judge was only going to be out for six weeks, it was taken with a 6′ 7″ grain of salt and we decided not to ask over the cars? Will tipping cars have to wait until the Knicks win the Championship? Hmm, sure. Therefore, this opens up playing time for Jose Caballero and Anthony Volpe to play at the same time, with Jason Dominguez once he returns. As for the Judge, it feels like almost August to him. Hopefully, we’ll be up and running in four to six weeks. Delayed chaos. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Going back to March and drafting Cole, Rodon, and Wheeler, and listening to everyone in my league tease me, “I know I only have two IL slots?”
Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.92. [starts Slade at home in a juicy matchup] Damn, that sucked. [sits Slade in Yankee Stadium] Sonavabench! Okay, Imma be Robert De Niro in Goodfellas asking Karen if she wants the furs down the alleyway but asking Cecconi, Caglianone, and Pasquantino.
Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers. I’m not sure how many people know this, but his father was a Mets fan, so his first name is actually after Shea Stadium. Too bad he’s a Mets fan (full stop), and not a Razzball fan. We could have Metco Langeliers. Guess it’s better than Citifield Langeliers.
JT Ginn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.74. The most bleh is the number five to six starting point below the area. There is no hidden glory here waiting for me to shout, “Ginn!” namely, the Streamonator.
Jonah Heim – 1-for-4 hit his 3rd homer, because he hits Heim!
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4 hit his 8th homer. I see a big break of the season for him. It’s clear. Well, that might be because I’m looking at my computer screen through a bottle of Crystal Pepsi.
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.74. You’ll start calling him Shota Imma-induce-an-ucler. It might not be apparent from his walk rate, but Shota doesn’t dictate his pitches. He’s not missing out of the zone, he’s lost in it. Like he’s the newly elected Mayor of Meatball City. I wouldn’t give up on him, but I also wouldn’t start Shota anywhere.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and walks (9), and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer of the week, as he hit the leadoff, which is an odd choice. He probably has the worst OBP in the entire program. However, it is not a big difference between him and others, and he has speed. What I’m saying is that all the Cubs are ugly now, so it’s okay.
Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Happ is happening!
Jared Jones – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.82. I wonder if his mother is Jenny Jones. Or if her sister is Jessica Jones. Or when he goes by Mr. Jones when he listens to Mr. Jones with the crows. I have deep thoughts, boys and five girl students. I gave Jared Jones a big break when he was set up. I will not rewrite. It’s in my opinion of Jared Jones. (Scroll down, starting with Acuña.)
Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Makes me long for Vlad Jr. days. he hits them and O’Hearn and chokes.
Kai-Wei Teng – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, 3.06. Life is Kai-Wai! I want to ride it all night—Hmm, that sounds wrong. Well, too bad another choice of songs with a highway in the title is Shaboozey’s, and I’m not drunk. Any hoo! Teng’s is incredibly iffy, thanks to a very wonky command. Tell me, how long will you be here, Joe…
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer, second homer in two games, and third homer of the week. He had just three homers all May. Maybe he finally saw if he pulls the ball, like he always does, well in Houston. One of those guys who can be the best player in baseball for a month or two. Yes, I am a fan.
Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Have you ever heard of keeping a checklist for each game separately? Like, “Did I keep the hitters off balance?” “Should I continue?” I like that all the pitchers are a little guaranteed.
Max Muncy – He and Ildemaro Vargas clashed in the first round, and it looked like Vargas got the worst of it. Thankfully, most doctors don’t just watch replays and diagnose, so we await word.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-5 with his 11th homer. Surprisingly, all 11 of his housemates have been walking. Or maybe it only feels that way.
Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.60. He had a 2.95 ERA in May. Good! Also 28 Ks in 39 2/3 IP and that was a step back for me I’m happy for him. He also had 39 baserunners, so that’s good. His base numbers are kinda mediocre, but Streamonator says he’s getting the Marlins next, and I see no reason why not.
Brandon Pfaadt – Chosen for children to be stretched to be the beginning. That sounds novel. Stretched to be a beginner? What is this, 2003? Will he come back and throw five full innings in one start? Just let him follow a reliever out of the pen in the 2nd inning, you jackholes!
Brian Bello – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.34, and singled in the minors. Maybe the Red Sox will work on reducing him to a reliever.
Wilson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .295. I made a bet on Gray’s Predictive Market about Contreras’ brother being high on Player Rater, and I was wrong, picking this one. I had to move $5 from my food pocket to the left.
Trevor Rogers – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.29. So, part of me thinks that a guy like Rogers was messed up, mechanical wise, and now that he’s been properly disposed of, he’s fixed and safe from capture. Another part of me just doesn’t want to take the risk. Which part of me is a moron? A question as old as time. I think the smartest play is to catch him, if he’s down, bench him in his first start to see if he’s really fixed, because we saw that he could be good last year if he was fixed.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. He thought he would be the Comeback Player of the Year, not winning unless it was him alone against Nick Castellanos.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.31. His BABIP is .197; his LOB% is 86.7; his HR/9 is 1.07. The emoji grimacing then starts scratching nervously and looks at the Trade Analyzer for sales.
Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.86. About two weeks ago, I picked up Giolito from another league, and so far I haven’t started him. Streamonator has him facing the Reds next, and it sounds like he’ll be on the bench at the very least.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I tend to keep his comments short because what can you say, he’s a 10+ year vet who does the same thing year after year. This year? I can’t believe he’s hitting .174 in two months. His OBP is .262. Is this real life? I feel like a little kid going to the dentist and getting his first nitrous. What is happening here on earth? Am I still in the world? Is this hell? I have questions, everyone! Here’s 2025 vs. 2026:
Why did Manny Machado agree to that body swap movie with Nolan Arenado?
Jackson Merrill – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .207. Speaking of the Padres who fell under the weight of good weather and easy access to Tijuana, I wish I never met the Padres this year. Merrill’s May? 2 HRs, 5 SBs. His April was 2 HRs, 5 SBs, so at least he’s not changing.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer. Buxton is almost a top five outfielder, and almost as valuable as Judge right now. Last year, Buxton was the 7th best player. If you get him next year, he drafts in the top 30, gets hurt on April 12, but stays every day for five months, hitting .220 with three homers all year. Sorry, this Magic Eight Ball is really good, and clear.
Is Clemens – 2-for-4 with his 7th and 8th homers, three homers last week. What is Mike’s son, Boof Piazza, doing? Nothing! Clemens won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, but he is here now. So, be smart, be smart, burn the schmotato.
Michael Massey – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer, 3rd homer this week. He’ll be in today’s Buy column, because he’s been rambling.
Alex Lange – 1 IP, 0 ER, 4.18 ERA, and his second shutout in two games. No real sense of what they think makes Lange closer, but they made Lange closer, in my opinion. Catch him!
Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.91. Boy, this guy stinks. I’m usually a fan, but how did I get off this seasick thing?
Jackson Chourio – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. He returned in May with 2 HRs, .266 in 94 ABs. It was a classic slow start. Now, it’s June (thanks, calendar!) and I’m ready for him to open it. Ignite, Ja-Chou! The king bless you!
Coleman Crow – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 5.94 ERA. I’m not sure I agree with what he did, but, when C. Crow knowing this startup was about to crash and burn, started singing Tiny Dancer.
David Hamilton – 1-for-4 with his second homer. He’ll be in today’s Buy column, because Hamilton isn’t wasting his shot.
Eric Haase – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in his last five games. In one league I lost Jeffers, I used a bunch of FAAB to catch Joe Mack and, in another league, I was like, “Whatever, just give me Eric Haase.” I’m sure I did better in the league where I named Eric.
Casey Schmitt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. In the most logical part of my brain – let’s call it the cereal-bellum, because that’s where things are discussed in the grain – and if you offered me a Machado for a Schmitt, I would have to say yes to a Machado, but it would be very difficult to accept that trade. A bird in the hand and I don’t care what’s in the forest.
Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer, and second homer in two games. So, I think Mateo won’t be a thing.
Chris Sale – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Lots of dinks, and doinks, and just gloves. It didn’t look anywhere near as bad as the line looks. As a strip club character in an episode of Law & Order, he was killed.
Austin Wynns – Braves acquired him and DFA’d Chadwick Tromp. Hey, wait a minute! I’m on them! From Tromp to Wynns…Next they are going to DFA Wynns and sign a guy named Billy Mirage or Jose Treasureisland.
