I hear Framber Valdez and I’m thinking about Exxon Valdez, and, boy, I wish they’d never let his ass out of the Strait of Hormuz. Framber Valdez went 3 IP, 7 ER, 4.57 ERA, and, important question, does he hang with Luzardo? What is a common prefix, a common prefix, a common prefix, a common prefix, a common prefix, SEE NOW YOU DIE, a common prefix, a common prefix, a common prefix, a common prefix, SEE NOW YOU DIE? Why can’t we keep it normal?! This was against the Sawx who haven’t hit since August of 2019! What happened to the liter eff? The one who sank Valdez, Wilyer Abreu (3-for-4, 2 runs) with a slam (5) and legs (2). But he was not alone! Framber gave up free homers to all players in attendance. Also, getting one was Ceddanne Rafaela (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) with his 2nd homer, and Willson Contreras (1-for-4, 2 runs) with his 8th homer. Ironically, the Valdez sank my battleship! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Vierling – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer, as a leadoff hitter. He was about to say he was done, but that was Zach McKinstry (0-for-4). Does anyone else always confuse the two? No? Yes? Who cares because Framber made me want to bang my head against the wall? Eat Arby’s!
Steven Matz – Hit IL with elbow swelling. All pots get damaged, and maybe I’m misremembering, but I swear to you that radiation is the most dangerous of pot damage. Yes, I don’t forget the Mets.
Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.95. His career ERA is 2.88. Almost 500 innings!
Eric Lauer – Looking at the MRI on his arm. The Jays are hoping they can get him something. The Dodgers are like, “You know you can build something, right?”
Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, 5th homer in May, as he hit third in right behind Yohendrick Pinango (1-for-4, 1 RBI). Did I say Hendrick Pinango? Yes, I said Yohendrick Pinango! Yohendrick Pinango sounds like someone who might have a vendetta. “My name is Yohendrick Pinango, you are killing my father, prepare to die.”
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Not trying to do anything, but in a sea of Frambers, just set up a standard like Gausman.
Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.97. Player Rater resets at midnight and I’m already asleep, but, as of today, if you could start Ohtani in April as a shortstop or hitter in weekly leagues, you’d be better off starting him as a pitcher.
Yainer Diaz – Hit IL with an oblique problem. Want to really fade away? Look at his statistics. Effin’ burned him.
Christian Walker – 1-for-3 with his 9th homer, hitting .308. I’m so glad he’s coming back this year. What a complete relief! If I didn’t put him in all the leagues last year when he was rubbish, I should have seen him hit this year. Well, huh? Deez is breaking, as they say.
Peter Lambert – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.42. He has stats of 9.3 K/9, 4.4 BB/9, a 95 MPH fastball, and six pitches. The cutter and change are very interesting to me, because one throws more than before and it was not good (cutter) and the other throws more dirty (change). His slide? And it’s good. Lots of chasing, lots of whiffs. Order? Obviously, it’s not good, but I’m surprised, yes! 15 groups are mixed and deep, but the monocle is not deep.
Logan Webb – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.06. Are there any good pitchers? Not to answer but to hum while he was dying.
Casey Schmitt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Schmitt happens-slash-schmotato happens.
Jesus Rodriguez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer. His parents were at the foot of Mount Olympus saying hey, and that’s how he got his name. He’s even more interesting to me than Bryce, and I said why the other day. If you click on his name, it magically takes you there.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I’ll give you the facts here: He could have ten homers on June 1 and still finish the season with less than 15 homers.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.50. He was my number one FAAB pitcher this past Sunday to broadcast this week, because: Broadcaster.
Bubba Chandler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 6 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. A testament to his stuff is that he’s only a 4.76 ERA pitcher. Dirt I don’t know where it goes. Like lowering a can of beans, you go into a porta pot, and a crane picks it up.
JP Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games. You’re already working on this week’s Buy column (it’ll be on Patreon after I wake up on Wednesday), and Just Peche is there.
George Kirby – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. The Mariners’ pitcher as it should be. Call the Pope, we got a miracle! He loves baseball, seriously, call him. He is wearing a Murakami sweater under his dress. You know you do. You’re reading this, anyway. Hello, Papa!
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 3 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.02. Old man makes me feel like I felt with Abbott last year. I don’t even want to talk about the Elder for fear of throwing him.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer. 22 more to go!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Guards always have the old slugging DH or 1B, right? He was Carlos Santana for a while; now it’s Hoskins.
Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.28. I’m not trying to do anything, but he had a bad start dating an 18 month old.
Noah Cameron – I went to IL for low back pain. It gave me lower front pain in the nads from bad riding.
Isaac Collins – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and a walk (2). Meanwhile, the Italian royals let their hands do the talking.
Cade Cavalli – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.15. Again, three more runs that I didn’t get. I love unlearned runs. Even better if they’re the type that completely screws up from the pitcher’s error, like he didn’t cause that run. A little jogging is like being punished for eating dessert without eating dinner, so you are forced to eat dinner and it’s pizza. The perfect panacea. Pizzacea. Take it, Bright, it’s yours.
Hello Bradley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Taj Mah-the trusted number three.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .250. Bux stops…somewhere about 387 feet from here. (He just missed one earlier in the game too.)
Sandy Alcantara – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.01. How about Braxton Garrett and Robby Snelling both coming to replace Paddack and Sandy?
Otto Lopez – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer. Otto says blotto!
Liam Hicks – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .321. You can already imagine how people will draft Hicks early next year. Nah, sick, I know.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers, and 2nd and 3rd homers in two games. He ranks 9th in the NL for OPS (.921). Or did when a Phillies reporter tweeted that, it’s pretty high now.
Bryson Stott – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in three games, and third homer of the week. Watch out, the Phillies are suddenly smoking STOTT! See, instead of heat. No? Hmm.
Christopher Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Trying to decide if I want Sanchez or Schlittler for the rest of the season, and that’s a huge compliment to both of them. Submissive. I need an honest font. Maybe with the irony of the comics?
Luis Severino – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15. I was going to start him here, because Severino is on the way and that’s, “Let’s do this, dawg, from me.”
JJ Bleday – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games and 4th homer or something hot schmotato alert!
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer and, as his 12th homer in, like 10 minutes. “Anything you can do I can do, the hottest schmotatoey, Bleday!” That’s Lowe. Taking Lowe into my RCL would be my only good move so far in that league. The struggle is real.
Andrew Abbott – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 34 Ks, ERA at 5.13. Now two straight starts, again, not to be a hater by nature, but four walks significantly lowers how likely you are to score an earned run. I still don’t trust him. Or apparently, as the case may be.
Emilio Pagan – He collapsed on the mound, and I gotta say I’m sick of these tie-ins. I get it! You’re falling for Crumble cookies! No, it’s not cool. [intern whispers in ear] I see. Yes, it sounds like it was Pagan’s muscle and Tony Santillan is the van.
Michael Busch – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I still believe, and he is overdue, so buying low will be the plan.
Jameson Taillon – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Streamonator loves this one and hates the next one, and I’ll go with that.
Chase Meidroth – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, as he hits a leadoff hit. Cust kayin’. He was in the lead when Antonacci hit 9th. (Probably because they were facing a lefty, and managers have to think.)
Mike Trout – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .262. Only one homer ahead of IL. Oh no!
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer, hitting .231. I hope that Reynaldo Lopez caught the ball, rubbed it on his hips and returned it to Soler.
Zach Neto – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer, hitting .218. He was in free fall for a while there, like Dean Potter. If you have HBO Max, watch Dark Wizard.
Kirby Yates – Activated from IL, and nowhere near the 9th inning in a save opportunity. I dropped Brad Keller and put Yates on my list, and, as I did that, I thought, “This isn’t going to set me back at all,” and I turned to the mirror and said, “You’re smart, Mr. Grey.” Since Yates was hit hard in rehab and wasn’t called to the save, hold Zeferjahn for now. Yes, the Werewolves singer in London. He didn’t look good against a lineup of poor hitters, but Ryan Zeferjahn (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER) got the job done. Simply put.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. 8% of the way to 50 homers!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .209. Oh Shizz!
Elmer Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.19. He looked worse than his line and picked off Rodon. The good news? You still have your life!
Jacob deGrom – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.11. He watched most of this start and seemed to fall into the trap of saying, “Meh, what would the Jazz or Ryan McMahon do with a meat-it-over meatball? [crack of the bat, home run] Oops.”
Josh H. Smith – Hit the IL with a glute strain. His hips are straight bulls. Justin Foscue was called. He is a big barrel of muscle with very little power, but he can hit average. Yandy Diaz is Caucasian. Call him Brady Built-Like-A-BrickHouse.
