Just waking up early, I have Foster Griffin to thank,I don’t know, but today it seems the batters have been whiffin’,No barkin’ on my back, JJ Bleday’s big chubs givin’,And my mother cooked breakfast while I organized my dream list,I put in my grub, but I didn’t leave Bleday out,Finally I got a call from a girl I want to say, ‘I’ll call you while you watch Bleday pull out another jar,’I plugged it in later as I knocked on the door,Thinkin’, “Will I live to see Tatis hit one homer?”
yesterday, JJ Bleday went 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. This will blow your mind at how brilliant (or incredibly stupid) I am, but I wrote a JJ Bleday sleeper last year. Yes, I have loved him for a long time. It’s worthy of inclusion in all leagues, as I call homes and ask, “What park is Bleday hittin’ without baseball?” Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt McLain – 2-for-3, 3 runs 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s an incredibly bad decision when you attack McLain as he’s hitting ahead of Trevino hitting .143 and Ke’Bryan hitting .150.
Chase Burns – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.87 (feat. Snoop Dogg). Regression Fairies don’t really like going to Cincy, huh? I liked Burns coming into this year, and would happily take what he’s done, but his subpar numbers suggest some decline is coming.
Foster Griffin – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER, 3.53 ERA. “Well, you’d be worried about looking at this cola in this bar run by al-Qaeda, while I was going to the bathroom…[four hours later]…Wow, how long have I been asleep…Did that man just put my kidneys in the freezer? AHHH!!! The roof!!! So, Griffin was sailing through the game, giving up a two-run homer to the 7th-hitter, a double to the 8-hitter, a double to the 9-hitter, and then a roundhouse from Bleday. Pronouncing his name like Lisa Simpson’s grunt, Foster Grrrrriffin. He’s still number five to six, but it’s hard to get too excited about him.
Francisco Alvarez – He had knee surgery and the Mets hope to be back in eight weeks. Alvarez is a great example for the Mets. They say he has strength, he doesn’t show strength, and he gets injured all the time.
AJ Ewing – 2-for-4 with his first homer. Ewing did the impossible! Ewing is clearing fences and giving people hope for the Mets! You know you will be in the column this afternoon on Buy!
Brett Baty – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his second homer, hitting .220. Baty muttered to himself behind Ewing, “Hey, before you get excited about Ewing, here’s a little reminder about the last Mets prospect we’re excited about.”
Mark Vientos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .242. Then, in case you didn’t catch Baty’s flashing lights reminder, here’s Vientos saying, “Please, don’t trust the Mets’ prospects, no matter how good they look. Your sanity depends on it.”
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! When I was a teenager, I named my bath towel, Marcus Wit Semien.
Juan Soto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I saw that he sprained his ankle and went for a test the other day, and I admit I threw my computer out the window. Thanks to the smart bar, I was able to recover most of my data.
Nolan McLean – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.92. I wonder if you can buy him right now. I’m not sure, but it’s worth a try. He was unlucky. So, you have been very nice, but you are actually very nice.
Gage Workman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his second homer, second homer in four games, but only two starts, because the mind of an MLB manager needs to be read. Why would you call a prospect and not play? Is there a real reason? No place to play him? So why did you call him? There is a place to play him but the players? Which one! Due to playing time concerns, he is currently on AL-Only recommendation.
Dillon Dingler – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. [dressed as a poop emoji] That’s how you feel, Dingler!
Keider Montero – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.65. His command has been great, but Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, and I can understand why (lack of Ks).
Chase the Dollar – 1 IP, 3 ER, and out with a strong arm. I got chest tightness from yelling, “Why couldn’t you just be the victim from the start instead of going out there and breaking my rating?”
Ryan O’Hearn – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He is better than Vlad Jr. That’s right, you O’Heard me!
Griffin Canning – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10.64 ERA. Oh, he really had it yesterday. For exactly one batter. He opened the first inning by striking out Chourio, then walked four straight to Hell. We have to call out the guy who gets his ass kicked earlier in the game, Tony Duke. Tony Duke was Apollo Creed’s trainer who kept yelling at him to throw in the towel.
Kyle Harrison – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.09. It’s really amazing to give up a walk, throw 99 pitches and only go five innings.
Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Your NL All-Star Game starter…Michael “It’s Gravy Y’all!” McGreevy! “Thank you, Mr. Manfred and all of Cardinals Nation, you can use the last name, IGY, because you know it’s Gravy Y’all!” The crowd cheers; teenage girls fainted from anger. I would say Streamonator, but McGreevy is in shape and that shape is a gravy boat!
Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .294. At Bing Bong Stadium, Walker would become a 40-homer hitter. Wait, that’s what he’s going to be. Zoinks!
Victor Scott II – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, which is homer II.
Nick Kurtz – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, second homer in two games, and Bing Bong isn’t even 120 degrees in a (dry and smelly) wind that carries balls 440 feet over the fence 217 feet to center. May all our giddies prosper!
Zack Gelof – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Give me all those Bing Bongers!
Jung Hoo Lee – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, an in-the-parker. He became the first Giants player to hit a home run in the park, the Elias Sports Bureau said, adding, “We think, our hard drive is seriously damaged.”
Landen Roupp – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. A very good start. He almost got out of it in 6, but, alas, it was a tough match, and he looked good.
Will Smith – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer, as a leadoff hitter. He went ahead because Ohtani and Betts were both auditioning for the stage adaptation of Lethal Weapon and the role of Danny Glover was wide open.
Emmett Sheehan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.54. He actually gave up 0 ER, but was charged with two earned runs that should have marked Teoscar’s line. It was a great look, the fastball sitting 95 and the slider producing whiffs.
Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.07. You look into the Luzardo’s mouth and see its xFIP, and you try to grab it with the teethers and it bites down, you cut the teethers you bought at Temu for $12.99 and you get molar’d, you wonder, “Why did I pay two more dollars and get these teethers on Amazon?” Because you are cheap.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, his 27th homer in two games. It’s not even June yet, where Schwarber because Schwarbomb.
Guard Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.44. This came up with his old team, the Phils, a factoid that may mean something to him, but I don’t believe it means anything to anyone else even though the media keeps talking about it. Over time, I’ve drafted deGrom more than any other player. My second guy is Suarez. I believe the fans once believed in Stephen Vogt.
Ben Brown – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.60. Brown is being stretched and I’m in a taffy tug. His perfs: 9.1 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 3.07 xFIP, velo up (though, that may be due to relief innings); good use of his sinker, and his knuckle curve is even better. I will be picking him up in all leagues if my FAAB requests are successful this Sunday.
Ian Happ – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a 10th homer. Call him Dangerfield, because Happ is not respected.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Cubs announcers were talking about Sale possibly being a HOFer yesterday, and they were talking about his win and LOL. I mean: El oh c’mon el. I suggest once a year we should have automatic HOFers. No voting is required for certain boys who exceed the limits. The salesman is the default guy.
Chris Bubic – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.11. The Shite Sox have bats, but if you get hit by Randal Grichuk? Oh, take a nap.
Jordan Alvarez – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .321. You don’t want to do anything, but you’re not entirely sure why someone would cast Captain Woo Cubano.
Mike Burrows – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.72. Burrows, action, action Bury your legendary team by starting Burrows.
Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.34. If you still have Castillo on your dream team, leave your password in the comments, and I’ll send him to you. If your password is Greyisdumbasboxofrocks, then it’s not cool.
Luke Raley – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .268. He’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s effin’ sure, he’s a top 10 1 player.
Raleigh – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. He was clearly trying to play it off, and that didn’t work at all. It’s more like less than “not at all.” Be a true three-way guy: Strikeout, groundout or flyball out. As I mentioned in one of my preseason schmohawk posts, I didn’t write a limited Cal Raleigh post because it was too obvious. Oh well. Like a pervert, Uncle Luke used to say, donkey upside down, upside down, that’s not what I was hoping to see.
Mitch Garver – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe, as he fills in for The Ass Man. Garver is hitting .180, so he’s a little better than Raleigh! Click! No snap? That’s right.
Braxton Garrett – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, as recalled. Sigh. What makes Braxton great and what gives her the power to break my heart is her command. He doesn’t have it yet. We tried, let’s move on.
Zebby Matthews – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, as mentioned above. Sadly, it was Zebby who called and not Braxton. It’s hard to feel any level of confidence in Zebby, Marx’s long-lost brother, when he had a 5.56 ERA last year and a 4.72 ERA in the minors this year. Of course, ERA isn’t everything but an ERA close to 5 in the minors can be a little overwhelming.
Byron Buxton – Out with a hip flexor injury. If my Kalshi team with Buxton getting hurt and Cal Raleigh beating IL on May 13th, he would have won 45 million a day earlier, oh well, I’m out $5.
