People will tell you with a straight face that flagging is predictable. Is that so? It is so slow that a layman stops to watch the entire coastline recede and homes are forced back 500 feet from the shore. I say pigeonholing is impossible. I’m not saying you don’t need a top pitch. I’m just saying it’s unexpected. This seemingly self-evident statement goes back a long way. Shoulders, I don’t know what to say to you. Tarik Skubal he is undergoing elbow surgery to remove loose bodies, and his timing is unclear. I’m thinking August/September. Sorry to be honest, we see a version of this every year. We have Gerrit Cole coming back in a month or so, and he was the top starter before that surgery. Spencer Strider was a top champion, and now people aren’t sure if they can start him. Did I list Kyle Bradish as the cheap number one pick? Yes, obviously, but at least he drafted a top hitter in the first round, instead of Skubal. Oh, did you write Tatis? Oops. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dillon Dingler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .257. I wanted to say that you hit three yesterday. That’s a three-hole Dingler! Repeat! We have a three hole Dingler! We’re so close to the biggest program decision ever made by a manager – a two-hole Dingler!
Payton Tolle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.04. I can’t believe you closed the three-hole Dingler. A three-hole Dingler? No way, man. How? Bottom of Tigers lineup: Keith, Short. Apparently, someone forgot the greatest R&B singer of all time. It’s Keith Sweat, my beautiful man! Tolle is great, in case you didn’t know. I told you he’s a van everywhere. No more shizz, I’m inventing new nonsense to say!
Roman Anthony – He hurt his wrist in a swing, and left the game. X-rays showed no fractures, but will have more pictures today. Hopefully, Roman doesn’t need to be 49’d.
Jarren Duran – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and walks (6), and a third homer as someone asked if they should drop him, like Brooks Lee.
Chris Paddack – Sounds towards IL and who cares. Is Robby Snelling called? Is that what The Rock is Snelling? Maybe Braxton Garrett? Does Rock smell Braxton’s cooking? Either of the two called up would be exciting in mixed leagues, but Snelling will be the most interesting. Very interesting. Braxton will be interesting, but lightweight is interesting.
Janson Junk – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.82. I saw John King following him in the match, which made the box score read Junk/King, and I called the Protest Department at Columbia University to see if I could get the match shut down, because the proper name is Picker or Scavenger. They did not answer; leave a message. So, Junk isn’t an ace, and he’s not even a safe number five, but he’s exactly the kind of starting backfield you want in deep leagues, and he’s a pretty shallow Streamonator.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4 with his 7th homer, hitting .271. That’s seven homers compared to his record 12 TikToks. Catching up!
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.06. If there is any consolation, if you started him, he would have gone 5 IP, 6 ER.
Brad Keller – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.30, and a save. Finally, I took the right place—Oh, John Duran is coming back today. Forget it.
Nick Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.71. I was going to say Streamonator, but an ERA under 2 in May from a pitcher who has played a big role all season should be an automatic starter until further notice.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (3) and walks (11). Please continue to one of those 10 homers in 12 games. Please, I’m begging here on my hands and knees.
Jac Caglianone – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, hitting .257. This was his bobblehead night, or as they call it in Italy, bobblehead-night. Jac hasn’t quite taken the cover off the ball, but what will it take for Sal Perez (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .207) to be knocked out of the cleanup? It’s about time, guys.
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Looked at his peripherals yesterday, due to a comment question, and, wow, he looks a bit nervous under the hood.
Tanner Bibee – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.58. Not much better than Wacha, if you’re honest, and-eff it – I’ll be honest!
David Fry – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, second homer in two games, that is, two flies for Fry. You won’t believe your eyes, when Fry million flies…That would be schmotato, though.
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09. You mentioned this briefly yesterday, but Yamamoto is a Salesman. No one is selling Janson Junk. (Though, Junk looks good. That Junk, isn’t it garbage garbage.) Yoshi looks like 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, all starters, which isn’t bad. He wasn’t just a fifth baseman as he was drafted.
Kyle Tucker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .242. This home run came in Houston, where Tucker made his debut and now that he’s out of a job—Wait, he’s only 29? He reminds me of Cody Bellinger. Tucker’s fading career numbers look like he’s a 34-year-old George Springer. It’s not a 35-year-old or a 36-year-old George Springer. (That’s a good joke if you’re a smart person.)
Zach Cole – 1-for-4 with his first homer. I vividly remember fighting with myself whether I wanted Cole or Jake Meyers to be higher in the rankings. Boy, that was important!
JJ Bleday – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
It’s Bryan Hayes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his second homer. Ke’Bryan has to be one of those guys, that when they hit a home run and run away from you, the trap door opens and the pitcher is handed back to the kids.
Edward Cabrera – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.27. It’s crazy how quickly pitcher stats stabilize and, as far as EdCab is concerned, not in the best of ways.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Football!
Michael Conforto – 1-for-1 with his first homer. Fun fact! Conforto retired three years ago.
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Heaven forbid one of the M’s starters throws a lights out game.
JP Crawford – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer of the week, and a little schmotato action by Just Peachy.
Sean Murphy – 0-for-3 as activated from IL. Sean didn’t follow much Braves news while he was away last year, preferring to focus on getting back on the field. The first thing he said when he arrived was, “Who is Drake Baldwin?” Drake Baldwin (1-for-4) hit his 9th homer. Murphy said, “Wow, I’m gonna suck putting him on the bench, huh?” After pausing for ten minutes, when no one said anything, he said, “Are you sure?”
JR Ritchie – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.63. If my good boy Didier was six foot, he would have given up 7 ER. But, no, not this Ritchie boy!
Austin Riley – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, hitting .213. Not that bad of a .213, maybe, but he’s not hitting the ball anywhere near as well as he once did. He looks a lot like the 20-23-homer, .250 hitter he was a few years ago, not the Tiptoeing in my Jawdins to near-40 homers guy.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer. Also, in this game, Matt Olson (1-for-3) hit his 12th homer. 23 more! Let’s say that to Albies too! LFG!
Jose Soriano – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 1.74. Stick with the Shite Sox and you’re hooked!
Munetaka Murakami – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Actually, I put Murakami in a lot of leagues, so I’m being honest when I say, I like how teams can’t find a way to get him out and it seems like they want to try.
Miguel Vargas – 2-for-5 with his 7th homer, hitting .228. He is close to third in the top five on Player Rater. Yes, 3rd base is the worst position. Oh, it’s easily worse than catchers.
Davis Martin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, 1.64 ERA. His ERA is lower than Soriano’s. Fantasy Baseball, a game that you can use well if you have no marbles left, and think you can do it well. Martin’s perfs – 8.8 K/9, 1.6 BB/9 – are perfectly fine, but far from ace. Well, I don’t mind if Woo looks like that. Not to be confused with Woos-Look, which sounds like a made-up spot on a sitcom where teenagers go to make themselves.
Jackson Merrill -2-for-4 and his 4th homer. One of those guys who seems to want to sell low, so I saw a low buy.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. As the ball left the field, Tatis said, “Is that allowed?”
Randy Vasquez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.20. He is slowly finding his level, which is a 3.80 ERA pitcher with meh Ks.
Casey Schmitt – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer. He is the team’s best hitter (also worth catching), so I didn’t understand how Bryce Eldridge would play (because Schmitt is their DH). It turns out that they decided to bench Chapman. Hahahahaha, okay. Yo, Posey and Vitello are dumb, huh? What is this galaxy braining they are doing? Chapman is arguably the 3rd best defensive player in the league, why did they sign him, and now bench him? Stop laughing at me.
Trevor McDonald – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, as he was called up, but it feels like a local start, and, otherwise, his ERA in Triple-A last year was 5.31, so open the weather app for rain.
Caleb Kilian – 1 IP, 1 ER, 1.13 ERA, and his first save. Love when the group gets a new close each week. Very good stuff. It’s not all that frustrating. Kilian was great, but just wait until he starts closing games and eating. Was I going to catch him? SAGNOF, my love.
Jordan Westburg – Close the throw. It turns out that torn UCLs don’t magically heal in position players either.
Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.99. In the tenses of Baz, Baz’ing, Bazung, bad Bazung.
Anthony Volpe – Activated in IL, and optioned to Triple-A. He missed this one on Sunday, but good on the Yanks for making the right move.
Aaron is the judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. AND HE HITS IT TO DEEP LEFT! …. THE BIG ONE IS BACK!….. GOING!.. HOLY COW!!!… NO THANKS!!!… I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!… I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!…. RICK CAMP!… RICK CAMP!!! RIP John Sterling.
Cam Schlittler – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.52. If we were to reorder, Cams is in the top five starters.
Kyle Leahy – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.93. He didn’t think much of it when McGreevy was playing well, or Pallante, but now, holy crap, he’s Dave Duncan’s ghost!
Brice Turang – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .304. Brice should pay a social media reader to Photoshop his face in B’s rice ads. Rice. I get paid for brilliant ideas like this.
Jackson Chourio – 4-for-4, 1 run as activated from IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m sorry to hear that Joe in HR has passed away. He owed me $35.”
Andrew Vaughn – 0-for-4 as activated from IL. Kevin continued, “If you could pass that on to Joe’s family, but tell them, I wouldn’t dream of collecting interest.”
