The Mariners offered Colt Emerson $95 million. Now the first thing you might think is, how long can he stay with the kids if they pay him so much? That was the 2nd thing I thought. The first thing I thought was, how is his life for children with so much money? Is he pretending to be broken so he doesn’t get into trouble with his boyfriend? “Colt? Uh, you have a Mercedes hood ornament in the glove compartment. So, why is your Toyota labeled Toyuta? And why is Toyota labeled with a magic symbol? Hey, Colt, is this really a Mercedes you decorated to look like a Toyota?” “Uh, Kevin, it’s actually a Toyota, okay?” You have to do things to avoid making friends, right? Well, soon, it won’t matter because he’ll be at the top. Why is it important? Thank you, very vague and clarifying question! He is 30/30/.300 and has 20. Yes, they raise them younger and younger. Starting the year in Triple-A, he struggled a bit with the Ks, but I have to think that’s a mistake as he’s being hampered by his new tax bracket. He could be as good as the Konnor Griffins, JJ Wetherholts, McGonigles of the world as soon as he arrives, and there’s no reason to keep him in the minors too long. IM’s GM said that the other day. It’s only a matter of time, otherwise the Mariners will look like the stooges, paying Emerson that kind of money to pretend he drives a Toyota. Anyway, here are some players you can buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week ago to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Ryan Jeffers – I’m excited for the stats to stabilize like everyone else, but they never are (more on Angel Martinez’s blurb if you want to know when). With that (Gray responding to this tweet), Jeffers’ early numbers look like they’ve improved (if he can maintain them). That’s me in Jeffers moving forward! Three of the most confusing pun ever!
Edouard Julien – Kinda surprised that Julien is still less than 50% registered. I’m a fan. Sorta forced a bit because I put Julien in more leagues than any other player.
Josh Bell – Waiting for him to fade from the top 7-day Player Rater levels so I can stop talking about him. A fun addition!
Connor Norby – Sending a letter to the front office of the Miami Marlins to convey to him that he should go by one moniker, Connorby. That’s right there, win!
Dominic Smith – Trying not to think about how I would be better off writing Dom Smith instead of Vinnie Pasquantino to fast forward bye bye!
Mauricio Dubon – Here’s a guy who highlights the big difference between starting the year hot and then it’s hot for just two weeks in, let’s say, August. People actually think Dubon is good and not just hot schmotato. If you have Duboner for more than four days, please see a doctor.
Angel Martinez – In the spring, he had a 5 MPH high EV (111 MPH) and that carried over into the season. You hit the ball hard in the air, it doesn’t hit at all. The exit velocity stabilizes in June, so who knows, but the K% stabilizes quickly (end of April) and his is at a high level, so right now he’s passing the sniff test with solid numbers for middle infielders. Add all of that up during gameplay, and he’s one of the first players that seems to come out in droves to overwhelm me. You know who you remind me of? Geraldo Perdomo of 2025. On the other hand, Angel also reminds me of Aerosmith, which reminds me of Alicia Silverstone, which reminds me that Clueless is a 31-year-old movie and Alicia Silverstone is turning 50! [screaming at the globe] Stop spinning!
Ildemaro Vargas – I can’t help seeing Ildemaro and thinking of a great Spanish seafood restaurant. I love that seafood paella. Im-pael me with your rice and conch! Any hoo! Vargas was hot.
Oswald Peraza – It’s not fair how you’ve been forgotten, just because you’re in the Angels. Don’t you remember how the Angels developed Jo Adell? It only took 12 years!
Casey Schmitt – He saw Schmitt was hot so he looked at his stats and it wasn’t two weeks worth of games. Schmitt is very hot, but it can turn into a cold diarrhea.
Brooks Lee – His value depends on how many times you get to see the missing Crochet. I, child, hope for her and Crochet’s sake.
Jose Fernandez – So, this is broken in MLB: A guy the club doesn’t think much of like Jose Fernandez is promoted quickly because they don’t care if they can’t control him. While some very talented guys like Ryan Waldschmidt are older than Fernandez, in the same organization and sitting in the minors. Same story with Tommy Troy, same team, sitting in the minors. Why? Are you afraid I’m going to make too many Tommy Tune jokes? Stop being afraid!
Jose Caballero He better get hot because Anthony Volpe is coming up in three weeks, and, as far as I know Aaron Boone and his management may be suffering from CTE, Volpe starts at least 50% of the time, regardless of whether Caballero is hot or not. Check out Ben Rice for more examples.
Javier Baez – 2nd year in a row he started to burn. Better than the worst years of 2022 to 2024 when he was just bad all year. Sometime in 2023, Baez couldn’t get past the White Castle frozen slides at the supermarket without wincing.
Jorge Soler – I just saw how many RBIs he has compared to my scheduled Jac Caglianone and I started crying openly.
Mickey Moniak -Not sure if he’s available in competitive leagues, but he was a top 40 player last year. There’s no reason why he can’t be valuable again this year at or near that level. He should at least start every home game.
Jake Bauers – A Jamaican style that I won’t do publicly for fear of being canceled, “JaBa, JaBa, I’m callin’ Jake Bauers ‘JaBa’…When I did the JaBa ranks, mon, I wasn’t Mr. Loverman, but JaBa makes me happy now…” [Cancel Police break down door, dragging me out]But…I was making up a saying in my head! How did you know?
Brandon Marsh – He’s hot (as are all the hitters in this post) so don’t take it the wrong way, but if Marsh had 10 homers on May 1, he’d still finish the season with 11 to 12 homers.
Jeremiah Jackson – A big month for the Jacksons with the biopic of Uncle Michael coming out. I hear that they are preparing the allegations against him. They also had to plan his music career. He just had a two-hour movie where he hangs out with a chimp, Bubbles. I would watch that! I believe that this Jackson, who also wears one glove (when he plays), will be out of a job when the other Jackson, that one Holliday, comes back, but for now Jermajesty Jackson is The Manjesty. By the way, I know people are here at different rates, but you think Jackson Holliday is like, “Corbin Carroll and Lindor had hamate surgery the same day as me, and, uh…Maybe I should have gone to their doctor.”
Hello Bradley – I like Bradley, in general, but this is also a Streamonator call, like the call he makes to his therapist.
Luis Severino – This is also a Streamonator call. “Everyone hates AI, so I took your advice and started being just A-me.”
Ben Brown – This morning Daniel Palencia hit IL with an oblique strain, and now how much is my moisture, Brown? Or one of the sixteen letters of the Cubs? When in doubt, go with the good ones, but it’s not clear yet. If someone got savings, I would go with them. So, if it’s Caleb Thielbar of the first post-Palencia, I’d go to him. Anyone.
Bryan Baker – Edwin Uceta can be hidden if he returns because he can get money saved in Tampa. Basically, anyone who can throw a baseball can make money in Tampa. Kevin Kelly has a lot of saves in Tampa, and the only reason I think is because he throws the baseball. Doesn’t Ric Flair live in Tampa? Put down the booze, Ric, and get down there, Nature Boy! Woooooo! SAGNOF!
Caleb Kilian – I just went through the Giants shutout situation in the morning round. Scroll, scroll.
Another De Los Santos – It could be Enel or Bryan King or Josh Hader if he comes back. Anyway! We have a new bullpen tool! Click Open Automatically (if you’re registered, you can get a free trial) and click the SV column, Frank Voila! You have all the guys most likely to get a save each day, and R% shows the ownership percentage of players, so scroll down until you get to someone under 100% (or you can put <80 in the R% column or any number of sorts). A new paid tool from Rudy. You are welcome. Here's a sneak peek:
Jacob Junis – I could go into my feelings about how frustrating it is that Junis was the closer with the Rangers instead of Robert Garcia, but next week Junis may not be around, and maybe Garcia, so here we go. (It won’t be Garcia, I can’t have nice things.) Also, the Bullpen Chart got a new look; now it has K%, which I enjoy. And who got a Win, Hold or Save in the last week in every release.
Abner Uribe – The producers are about to put an end to Megill’s tomfoolery. Enough of your Megilligans!
Kirby Yates – Who is covering the Angels right now? I can tell you who it shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t be Jordan Romano. Better get a tub of Pecorino Romano! Or Justin Ruggiano. Yates should be back soon and take over.
Joel Kuhnel – I don’t feel like doing research, but I wonder if anyone has ever had a fastball as fast as his (96) and fewer strikeouts. It seems impossible. Joel Kuhnel, owner of a soft, fast ball. Congratulations, he said with a thumbs up emoji. An emoji that says if you find it in a text, that person hates you.
Mason Montgomery – I don’t expect to save here, I expect to hit. Let me have some K’s! Does his departure bother me? Of course, be aware of the ratios, wet blanket. Montgomery, Ala. BAM-ME with some Ks! There are many, and that’s all I want from him.
Sell it
Oneil Cruz – So far in April, Cruz Missile has 8 HRs, 12 steals, a .253 average but most importantly is lowering his K’s to 27.5%. This is a big improvement-PSYCHE! Or SIKE!, depending on your dialect. Did you fall for it? Tell me you did so I’ll laugh sarcastically! Give me a chance to laugh! Do you even know what you have fallen for? Those Oneil Cruz numbers are accurate, but they’re from April, 2025. They’re from last year! Loudest ZOINKS in the world. ZOINKs that traveled back in time and were heard on Artemis II. We’ve seen this play before from Cruz, and it doesn’t end well. It ends abruptly rather than disbelieving on the jukebox. He was said to be on the mend last April and continued to have a bad May that looked good in his later months. I like Oneil Cruz, but he is a very flawed player. Anyway. I wouldn’t trade Oneil Cruz for a little termite-infested doll, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore the options.
