yesterday, Ronald Acuña Jr. went 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with a slam (3) and doubles (9, 10), hitting .238. The homer was a grand slam, and his first home run since April 24th. I got this text yesterday from my friend and fantasy baseball ‘pert, Mike Gianella, “One healthy year from 2021-25, his ’22 and ’24 were nothing. But, somehow he avoids all the narratives that other players are tagged with. Since 2019, Corey Seager and Carlos Correa have each played more games than Acuña.” A brutal truth bomb to discover. I don’t like truth bombs. I always forget if it’s the blue or green wires you have to cut to spread it. It was the year 2023 that carried the vision of Ronald Acuna Jr. The thinking, I think, is that if a guy can go 149/41/106/.337/73, he’s too good to be allowed to fall in the draft. Even if he sniffs those numbers, he deserves a spot in the draft. Well, if you think about it, it makes an ass for the eater. That is to say, he has been struggling for a year, simply saying, “Michael Jackson’s movie left a few things out.” Here’s where he was on Player Rater, the day before yesterday:
That’s scary. His Statcast page is disappointing. Worst exit velocity of his career. Communication, not just good communication. He looks more like a 20/25/.270 hitter than anything remotely close to what he was, unless he can turn the whole thing around, but maybe if Tildaddy tells you who he is, believe him. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Harris II – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in three games, hitting .301. Honestly, I’d like to hear a good reason to hit Megahertz 6th and Dubon 2nd. Not to protect Riley, he can’t be protected, and not to help the bottom of the order, not to help them.
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .276. It’s been a miserable month for Albies (.200-ish, 2 HRs, zero steals). Hopefully, you still have plenty of April showers and May’s little wilting flowers.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.01. An ERA over 2? What a mess!
Payton Tolle – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.61. He was lifted after 94 pitches even though he looks old enough to have four grandchildren and still remember when pitchers threw 130 pitches, not just when Dusty Baker was the manager.
Heston Kjerstad – Activated from IL and selected for children. The Orioles have developed one hitter since 2000 and that’s Machado, who they let go a decade ago. Don’t worry, the arms haven’t developed yet. You can say Gausman, they gave him away, then he was DFA’d before he developed with the Giants.
Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.06. One thing I always say about Bassitt…[pulls straw out of mouth]…That dog will hunt.
Coby Mayo – 1-for-2 and 6th homer. How’s this for driving home: Mayochup, the C is silent! Needs some work, huh?
Andres Gimenez – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. Tatis has zero! I’m dying mom. Someone please poke Tatis in the ribs when he swings and swings with an uppercut!
Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.65. I love how crazy it is. It makes sense. Like boogie boarding on the back of a great white shark. “Man, this is fun!” Sometimes, “Oh, wow, he’s going to go under and kill me, this is not fun!”
Jared Jones – Carmen Mlodzinski headed to the barn. Mlod begins, “Dear Mlartha, I received a report that I will not start with the return of Jared Jones. This upsets me and I choose to share my dissatisfaction with you, although as a woman you should not learn. You should have learned to take care of children and take care of my wounds. What is his name, Bruce, if you are reading this, you better not be there when you fire my wife, I hope I can replace Bubba Chandler soon! So, LL Donkey said that Jared Jones will make his first season tonight. I’d take what I have to say with a grain of salt. He had a 4.14 ERA in his MLB career, 2.9 BB/9. I always think Jared Jones is already an ace, but he doesn’t have any of his previous MLB stats, so I bet You can sell him if you hide him. Sell him like Bruce sells butter.
Esmerlyn Valdez – Made for children. I heard the news and I started crying uncontrollably, then I heard a little voice in my head say, “You’re going to come back and charge only $1 for FAAB,” and I told that little voice, “It’s not FAAB! Then the little voice said, “Really?” And I said, not that confidently, “Yes.”
Connor Griffin – Every day with forearm strain. I hope they don’t ask him to throw too many sliders.
Paul Skenes – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.03. He is not Patrick Corbin!
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer. Nothing is more exciting than a show! Bryan “Barrel of Ahhs” Reynolds!
Colin Rea – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70. I promise, it’s not always on the page, but I research every guy. Most guys like Colin Rea don’t want to talk too much, so-
Ian Happ – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .225, and two homers in two games. My experience is also confusing!
Davis Martin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.00. He has a high O-Swing% of 15 and a very low O-Contact of 12. To put it in layman’s terms, you get the 15th most hitters in the Chase and only 11 hits that cause hitters to miss other hits. He sits between Skenes and Gavin Williams. All 15 pitchers with that kind of Chase rate are solid. Wait, it gets better! He has the 15th best Swinging Strike level, the only person out of those 15 is even close to the iffy Eury, and he’s just a big problem. Last, and best: Martin has a low 20% connection, but the best 17th Swing%. So, the hitters are like, “Yeah, I can hit that,” and Davis is like, “No, you can’t.” All this means, Davis Martin has graduated (to a solid number two)! Davis Martin graduated (to the second)!
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. This month he has seven RBIs, and three homers, hitting around .225. At this point, I, Ethel Merman and maybe her mother are the only people who still believe in the good Paredes.
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4 with his second homer. That’s in 20 games. He hit 16 homers in 160 games. So, negative statistics, every ten games if you hit a home run, carry a zero, no zero, where’s a stupid zero, and that’s the right speed he’s on.
Spencer Arrighetti – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.34. Placing Eovaldi should be better on one hand; Arrighetti must be worse on the other side, and I have nothing in either hand because you can’t hold statements with your hands.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Blah. I will be honest with you, I can do without garbage starting from Eovaldi. It was a good start even if it was damaged. Can we go back to that?
Josh Jung – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer, hitting .307. I went to Player Rater to see where Jung was on the 3rd basemen, because it’s a bad position and I figured he would be too high for them, and I was wrong. Okay, but if you’re behind Arenado, I feel like you’re doing something wrong, unless you’re drafting Cole Trickle.
Jose Quintana – Hit the IL with the weight of the elbow. A crushing blow to the Rockies. The Vegas line for the Rockies went from 56 to 55.8.
Simeon Woods Richardson – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.74. He replaced late scratch Kendry Rojas (elbow soreness), and the Twins were out of Woods.
Grayson Rodriguez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.53. I’m rooting for him (to be traded to a team that can help him return to his former glory), but I don’t even want to cast him, until I saw a few good starts.
Wenceel Perez – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. It won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, but it looks like a hot schmotato.
Kenley Jansen – Hit the IL with pelvic swelling. I found that out while doing The Worm. Catch Kyle Finnegan.
Jack Flaherty – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.81. Yes, how could he close the Angels? An impossible task! They have Adam Frazier, Wade Meckler, Sebastian Rivero, Donovan Walton, Justin Ruggiano, okay, that last one is a lie, but wouldn’t you know. Flaherty couldn’t lock it, if he was in the escape room.
Ryan Ward – With Teoscar hitting IL, the Dodgers called up Ryan Ward. To slow this down, I’ll call him Ryan Ward III. I wonder if MLB front office people, scouts or players have this reaction: I look at a player called and see he’s 28 years old and I say to myself, “I just wasted fifteen seconds researching this guy when I could be researching boba places in my area. I wonder if my colon filled with 40 pounds of indigestible boba would be fun for some people. So, Ward went 36/16/.290 last year in Triple-A, and I’ve said this before but it’s worth repeating because it’s a short schedule day and I’m like a 2,000-word essay student who hasn’t read it and I always say: Nobody should go 30/30, nobody should be proud of that the club doesn’t think he’s really talented, but he thinks he’s a good hitter because he’s actually Danny Almonte. He’s up against 12-year-olds when he’s 17 years old in Little League with a fake birth certificate.
