Ryan O’Hearn (4-for-5, 10 RBIs and his 14th, 15th and 16th homers) did what they call the business, Swanson. Swanson is where your box score is full and you can’t eat any more, then he hits another homer and, boy, now I’m not sure I can have dessert. Swanson is where you have a month’s worth of stats in one game. Swanson is when you remind people of your teammates and think, “Hey, where’s the fun of Mr. Bryan Reynolds in all the fun? He’s always so fun! And fun.” If people don’t call what Ryan O’Hearn did to Swanson, they have another name for it. Can you guess what that name is? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the bane of my existence. Ah yes! Ryan O’Hearn also did what some people call Vlad Jr.’s Three Months. In One Game. Not bitter at all! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Connor Griffin – Hit IL with a torn tendon on his ring finger. And, boys and girls, that’s why you don’t try to reach your hand up in the crane arcade game trying to catch Labubu. I’m not saying he did that, just the way I hurt myself. Reports say he won’t be back until September. Cruel news. I had him very high in my top 100 in part 2 (available on Patreon this week; on the site next week), now I’ve removed him.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Don’t believe in writing high initials, but I wouldn’t mind trading one if you can buy low on Skenes. Nothing looks out of the hood, except for his ERA.
Rowdy Tellez – Signed with the Braves. He was reportedly very excited because he heard the Braves brought a giant cookie once a week to ride them.
James Wood – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .270. Please hit 50 homers this year. It Wood was fun. See what I did there? If you missed it, get tested for CTE.
Mike Burrows – Chosen in the Land of Sugar. Cast in an ABC drama?
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5 with his 10th homer, and second homer in two games. Finally, my perverted jinx may actually be working for me! Altuve, you old man, why did I write you in so many leagues (because of War Room, thanks for asking), please don’t leave. Hey, Man! It’s too old! You are disgusting! What a shame!
Tatsuya Imai – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6.06 ERA. The good news is that he will speak the language when he is sent back to Japan.
Trevor McDonald – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 5.46 ERA. It can be a very bipolar onset. He goes from start to “I know you destroyed my house” without letting off the accelerator.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 with his 20th homer, second homer in two games, and pitched in Justin Wrobleski’s mask, 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, 2.69 ERA. Wrobleski and EdRod: Bad math that doesn’t matter, great math that matters.
Colt Keith – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Keith, and his career high 13 homers, eating Tatis, will never stop being fun. Never change, baseball, you wacky sport!
Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.06. He thought after his first three-K inning, there was a chance he could hit 27 guys. Way to raise expectations and ruin what wasn’t a great start.
Josh Kuroda-Grauer – 3-for-4, hitting .462, and playing regularly after the return of Jacob Wilson. (JKG was at 2nd, Wilson at SS.) Points to a guy with no power, but a neutral .300. That might be something you might be interested in. Look at me, I take care of you like a baby bird. Come here, sit in my pocket so I can feed you dream information. Metaphorically! Get out of my shirt pocket!
Ian Seymour – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Forget the freakin’ ERA! 12 Ks and zero to go in auto pickup. That’s pass Go, collect $200 but spend that $200 on FAAB on Seymour pickups.
Yandi Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Sure, Yandy!
Ben Rice – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd this week. Rice-a-HRoni!
Is Warren – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.15. I was committed to trying with Warren, but gave up on him about a week or two ago. Here’s how you manage your teams: Drop Warren, take Seymour. Frank Voila!
Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Bryan Meh.
Cole Young – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer, 3rd homer in eight games. Hot schmotato alert!
Dominic Canzone – 0-for-5, hitting .267, struck out third. M said that they will start the Canzone every day, regardless of whether the pot is handed to them. You don’t want to kick the gift host in the mouth, but I told them to do this in December when I wrote her a sleeping post. Why does it take MLB teams so long to type these stupid names?
Owen Caissie – 1-for-2 with his 12th homer, 3rd homer of the week. Hot schmotato, but he also got the most “did he hire Joey Gallo as his hitting coach” level of hitting I’ve seen in some time.
Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-2 with his 12th homer, three homers in two games, and three homers in the last four games. You don’t usually say slow-hitting homers, which this one was, but Heriberto is Hotschmotato.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.31. He’s dropped his ERA from over 5 since I started saying he’s cheap. Well, that was one start. But still!
Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Sadly, he’s getting better again. Go ahead.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. There are worse things than they are worth in fantasy and it’s boring, but, Holy Cross, the Red Sox cornered that market.
Andrew Monasterio – 2-for-4 with a slam (4) and a walk (2). Fun fact! The Monasteryo is a luchador who dresses as a masked monk. “Shh! I’m Montaserio! The Hidden Monk! But first taste my Trappist brew!”
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Soon! Get Ken Burns, we need a 12 part doc about Wheeler’s arm and it’s amazing comeback.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. He now leads the majors in the Schwarbombs. And on the homers.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, hitting .207. I need him “20 homers in the second half” hot.
Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. His starts tend to be more boring than The Bear seasons (everything after the first one), but this Abbott start is actually not bad. Streamonator hates the next one and I don’t like Abbott, generally, but I’m calling for a monocle at least after last night.
Byron Buxton – Hit IL with hip strain. Obviously it’s not what you want to hear, but I get the sense that the Twins are just resting him and he’ll be “fine” after the break. Good scare quotes because Buxton is also not safe from injury.
Hello Bradley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Taj Ma-ace is back! Or at least Taj—my respectable number three to four starter.
Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Here I start Cantillo every time, “You will suck, you will suck, you will suck,…
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. I look forward to hearing deGrom’s pregame speech to his teammates. Are you saying, “Make sure you get exactly the same score as the other team?”
Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.40. There’s no chance he’ll break into the top 100 in the 2nd half, but he could have a month or so run in him again. I’ll go down to Boo! That’s his departure that bothers him.
Robert Gasser – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Ludicrous. Someone’s piss test the Brewers pitching coaches!
Jordan Walker – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. At the mall at 7 AM, I walk past Cinnabon with my three best friends, “I’m a Power Walker!”
Ivan Herrera – 2-for-6 with his 11th homer. Herrera-Rocher of nougaty goodness!
Jacob Misiorowski – 7 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, 1.62 ERA. Lots of difficult connections early on but well resolved. I miss Spencer Strider. For those under four, congratulations on your reading comprehension. Gaga-googoo? Yes, absolutely! I say that I am reminded of Strider because he was the best champion in the world for a whole year in 2022, and now he is trying to get juice. Juice is not available! Applying is very difficult. That’s why you shouldn’t pay to throw. They change like a raging fire. Blake Snell is a good example. He’s a Cy Young winner every three years, and then he disappears. You think you’ve seen the best pitcher ever on The IO Update and next thing you know the Cardinals are hitting him hard in the first innings. It’s still a good start, I’m just in Cust kayin’.
Luis Lara – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, 2nd hit, as named above. About two weeks ago, Luis Lara got a multi-million dollar deal (called a contract, I believe) and I gave you the dream of Luis Lara, explaining why you should get him. It mostly dawned on him that he was five-seven, which is my height and if you’re taller than that, you’re weird. I’m sorry. The truth hurts, but it only hurts tall people. All of us can handle it. Because I’m a freakin’ giver, here’s the right bit, “He’s got 50 steals and makes great contact. He’s about 15 K% in the majors with a promotion tomorrow, so he’s Brice Turang. Call him Basic Turang. Okay, maybe a little more power (he’s closer to 3-5 homers a year), and he’s about 2-by-2 with 2 homers and and .175 because he can’t make enough contact in the majors, but the speed will go, literally.” And I’m the one you’re quoting! This could be a temporary call because the Brewers have eight games this week, and Lara is under contract, so they could send him down again or anything.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI since activated from IL, hitting .183. JoPo doesn’t just sound like a state prison, listing him sounds like he’s in one!
AJ Ewing – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and slam (6) and walks (9). I bet if you ask Mets manager, Andy Green (must google him), if there is a reason why he hit Ewing first and Benge is now fifth, I bet he has no reasons. It could be something like, “Have you seen our record? Who cares?”
Juan Soto – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. The prayer hands emoji for Sexy Dr. Pepper went 20/20 in the second half.
Tyler Tolbert – 5-for-6, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and walks (10), 2nd homer in two games and refused to get out, I think. Is Tyler Tolbert really 12 of his last 13? The guy whose name I abbreviated as Tony Tolbert? He hits better at big points than at small ones. IN FACT, Tolbert struck out 12 batters, tying the all-time record. Because it is! He arrested Walt Dropo, who got his name because he was always in the outhouse. I feel like a little kid on nitrous after the dentist. Is this real life? Tyler Tolbert–Tony Tolbert? Or is it Tyler? He’s on pace for 60 steals, but the Mets are like a defensive pitcher who drives nuts out of players.
