A Muslim imam, rabbi, and teacher are on board. They heard that a tsunami was on its way, so they went to the beach because they hoped for a quicker death than getting Garrett Mitchell, Sal Frelick or Blake Perkins as their quarterback. If only they had heard Luis Lara they have just been paid and can be their savior of the world. However, Secular Savior is the most hippie dog name I have ever heard. If you’re in San Fran and you tell someone your dog’s name is Savior of the World, you get a high-five. Two top players when you tell them you’re on your way to Bark-ley. So, Luis Lara got a seven-year contract the other day, and he’s smoking ball in Triple-A. Why will he stay with the children? Of course, he wouldn’t. He has 50 steal speed and communicates very well. He’s about 15 K% in the majors with a promotion tomorrow, so he’s Brice Turang. Call him Basic Turang. Okay, maybe a little power (he’s close to 3-5 homers a year), and he’s seven inches over five feet in the 26th year after 20, so he might hit one more homer and .175 because he can’t make enough contact in the majors, but the speed will go, literally, and I could see hiding him for his next call-up. Now excuse me, I have to go and walk my Havanese, Hairy Krishna. Anyway, here are some players you can buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week ago to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Freddy Fermin – The Padres finally found their star hitter, Freddy Fermin. He follows Johnson/Ingoma on the list, so his music is Umthondo Owoholoko.
Brandon Valenzuela – Kirk will be back today, so it doesn’t matter what’s on BV’s CV — pithy points for the win! – Valenzuela will miss playing time. He kept hitting though.
Is Clemens – Nothing says, “The Twins didn’t invest in their team:,” and Kody Clemens hits a three-hole. The Twins are asking MLB to implement a salary cap, that cap saying, “Any change comes out of the owner’s pockets.”
Kyle Manzardo – You should pick him up because he’s hot, and, just think, when you drop him, you can rename your team, Sans-zardo.
Coby Mayo – Thinking about how fun fantasy baseball is. Vlad Jr writes. and Manny Machado and you’re like, “Well, the infidels in my corner are ready,” and you get to June and you’re like, “Should I bench my schmohawks for this random schmohawk release?”
Jared Young – Between Freddy Fermin and Jared Young, this “sounds like another player” week. Get your Brice Hopper! Take your Corbett Carol! Grab your Paul Squenes!
Andrew Vaughn – I just gave you my dream of Andrew Vaughn. Granted, his recent numbers may be on the high side because, well, the key word is: high, as in Vegas high. However, I just googled the elevation of Vegas vs. NYC and it was 2000 feet vs. 30. (Coors is Mile High, if you’re wondering. That’s why they call Denver the Mile High City.) Would I bet on Nick Kurtz being a HOFer? He will hit 40 homers every year for the next 12 years, assuming he doesn’t leave the A’s.
Matt McLain – I thought about making McLain buy my lede this week, but going with a sexy prospect is more fun. How many times have I run into BDon’s favorite actor, Matt McLain? McLain’s average is garbage, but he’s on pace for a 25/25 season. There is a price!
Marcus Semien – Same as McLain in that meh rating and the other stats are fine. They both named Mattus McStain.
Mauricio Dubon – As a British DJ, you should ask for Maur-Dub.
Blaze Alexander – “Stop trying to smoke me!” That’s Blaze talking to Cody Bellinger.
Michael Massey – I’m sure he’s not popping worm pills, but, let’s just say his numbers look like he is. His HardHit% is very high, probably a small sample size, but it’s there. Maybe he can talk to Pasketti, the wet noodle.
Denzer Guzman Here’s what I said the other day, “He got called up by the Angels. I can’t believe they let him go to all the minors. They must hate him. He went 12/9/.336 this year with 238 ABs in Triple-A, but that’s inflated, because of the league. He’s got a good shot in regular playing time, because the Angels count on third base and the Angels count on speed. That, but he’s worth a flier on deep teams.” And I’m the one quoting me!
David Hamilton – One of the few guys who hit well and it makes sense to hit 9. Sellers have no place at the top of the order. What I don’t understand is why they keep throwing things at him, but alas. He will not face the left.
Heriberto Hernandez – Owen Caissie doesn’t really work, and I don’t know if he ever will if he can’t get his K’s down below 40%, but Heriberto, as good as he has been, seems to be on the short side of the team.
Colton Cowser – The good news about Colton Cowser is that he is hot to maybe get his 2024 again. You know, when he was beautiful. However, the O’s prospect development coach appears to be Benjamin Button.
Andrew Benintendi – His K% jump this year is about as high as I’ve seen in some time. It’s like the Dodgers’ Max Muncy stopped wearing his glasses.
Jake Mangum – He could go 4/40/.300. In 250 ABs. Come on. Shame on you for trying to stay on the field.
Jung Hoo Lee – The JHL is not the Jet Hopulsion League, it’s the hottest schmotato in the league! Hitting near-.500 in the last three weeks.
Cedric Mullins – He seems to have given up any semblance of being a good hitter and is now just ready to think (speed/power/real bad baseball).
Lars Nootbaar – Going places and telling them I’m allergic to Nootbaar and when they ask, “You mean nut?” I say, “No, I don’t like 12-homer outfielders.”
Dominic Canzone – I think it’s great how the M’s can use offense, and they’re not playing one of their best bats. Great, really!
Yohendrick Pinango – Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and mumble, “Yohendrick Pinango,” and Cougs will tell me the next morning that I was saying, “Yohendrick Pinango’ing again in my sleep.” Looks like one of the Jays’ bright spots this year, and has a good amount of contact and hits everything hard. If you pick him up, you might find yourself Yohendrick Pinango’ing in the middle of the night, but it’s worth it.
Blake Dunn – Do you know what is interesting? Every year the Reds produce a random outfielder or two that no one was drafting. This year it may be Bleday, but Dunn is in the running for this year’s RRO (Random Reds Outfielder).
Braden Montgomery – You already gave me my Braden Montgomery dream. It was written when he got the key to the city.
Cole Carrigg Here’s what I said the other day, “I got a call from the Rockies. No one is surprised to see a Carrigg. There’s one in every room in the hotel. “Hey, can you send the Carrigg pods up to room 310? Hmm, shall we take two Blue Mountains, one Starbucks Lux Blend and two Caramel Mocha Chocolate Ya-Ya Creole Lady Marmalades? I’m on the phone with the front desk! Looking for a Carrigg pod? We can pick them up on the way out. I can put the pods in my Cupp-A-Chino pants and some additional pockets that I will get later. ” So, to believe in Carrigg, you have to believe in the Rockies’ ability to improve. Or, I think, they develop guys to get their first taste of the majors, then disappear in year two. This year, Carrigg went 6/30/.338 in Triple-A with 10.5 BB% and 15.2 K% in 225 ABs, and that looks like him in every measure. of the way, except for contact, maybe. Montgomery is the better bat/prospect, but Coors can fix a lot of mistakes. They could be better this year.” And I’m the one quoting me!
Stephen Kolek – This is a Streamonator phone, just like the phone you do in a movie theater.
Griffin Jax – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was there yesterday and someone thought I was trash and poured a half-full drink over my head. You really should put up clear signs not to throw soda at your robot guests.”
Yoendrys Gomez – Seeing Yohendrick Pinango and Yoendrys, and in my head I did the David Letterman bit, “If…Oprah…Oprah…If…” but I did it, “Yohendrick…Yoendrys…Yoendrys…Yohendrick…”
Orlando Ribalta – Is she really beautiful? I won’t say that, and Clayton isn’t Beeter’ing the allegations!
Keaton Winn – It feels like the Giants change their preferred closer once a week, in theory, but not really. As I keep saying, some of these groups don’t have close friends.
Tony Santillan – It’s a shame that Franona isn’t blessed with better options, because she seems to be looking for one guy around, which is more than you can say for most teams. A lot of groups are like, “This guy is cute? He’s cute, I’ll go with another guy who isn’t.” Seranthony won multiple Oscars in the SAGNOF category for “Best Supporting Reliever Behind Me Is Better.”
Jacob Webb – The Cubs have produced zero saves this year. A slight exaggeration, but a little. Like a tiny bit. Either way, Webb has been great. A lead like Vince Staples’ new album, Cry Baby? I won’t go that far, this new album is amazing. Webb was great though, and is your average pick of the week. Or MR POW, as people who have only seen The Great Escape call it.
Sell it
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – You know what? I am glad that Vladimir Guerrero Sr. have sixteen more Vladimir Guerreros, because it’s time for us to find a new Vladimir Guerrero. We need a system update. This one has a buggy, as in its buggy the shizz comes out of me. What is Vladimir Guerrero’s next launch angle? Because if there is no code, we can skip that Vladimir Guerrero and go straight to the next Vladimir Guerrero. This is the current Vladimir Guerrero, that is, Vlad Jr. he’s hitting .310. It was good. He is also on pace for eight homers. I think he’s going to hit a lot, but what the hell is he going to get? 15? One-five?! Fifteen freakin’ homers?! And how many RBIs? 60?! Adam came out of the Garden of Eden with many ribs. Vladimir Guerrero Sr. he needs to teach his future Vladimir Guerreros how to cut in front! This is out of control! I will not sell Vlad the Impaler. with a license plate outline that said, “I braked for parenting seminars,” but I’d go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and check out the options.
