“This British writer was part of World War II’s Operation Goldeneye, and used some of this in his novels.” “Who Ian Seymour?” The audience roared with laughter as I shot up on the bed, soaking wet. My recurring dream of being dumb on Jeopardy! it continues. But who is Ian Seymour? Oh, and the author of Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang? Wait, I have Ian Fleming’s Wikipedia page open. Rays’ Ian Seymour is an aristocrat–still on the same page, huh? That’s right! Yesterday, Ian Seymour went 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.02, and he has solid base numbers — 9.7 K/9, 3.4 BB/9, 4.19 xFIP and thankfully he never got out of the majors, because it’s time for the Rays or they’re hurting their starters. No one can be used normally! At 27, he has 113 IP in his career. You would think he was ugly. He wasn’t there. He had a 2.35 ERA in 145 1/3 IP his last full year in the minors in 2024, then followed that up with 86 IP in the minors and a 2.62 ERA. Always with a K/9 of 10.5 or higher, and it’s just a bummer how he’s been so young for so long. Well, he’s gone and he’s throwing well! Like I keep saying, you won’t get a kick out of a “good job” by holding schmohawks like Framber when guys like Seymour are doing great. Ooh, ooh, I know the author’s name! “Who is James Bond?” Damn it, those weren’t autobiographical? Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his third homer in three games and fourth homer in five games, and I have to add him to the buy column that comes out later today. Holy freakin’ schmotatoes.
Carter Jensen – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer. His hitting stopped Wednesday because of Big DiMaggio. Oh, you thought no one passed Joe D. because it’s an impossible record to break? Ha, please. Big BiMaggio! Everyone knows that!
Isaac Collins – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer. Ever see four homers everywhere you look and think about Vlad Jr.? That happened to me at the moment. It is suffering. Like gout.
Stephen Kolek – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.50. If you have Kolek on your teams because I liked him for a while a few weeks ago. I see you, I hear you, I hear you-figuratively speaking. But you don’t need to catch him.
Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.29. I have come to hate Framber in ways I never thought possible. He was my second draft pick, all he has to do is “not suck.” Is “absence” too complicated? It is not visible. If he’s in a shallow league, it’s not like me, I’ll drop him. Actually, that is not true. I was going to dump him last month. Actually! In another league, I did.
Hao-Yu Lee – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. This man makes you think, “Did Gray make a name for himself or is he a real guy?” and has as many homers as Vlad Jr.
Colt Keith – 1-for-2 with his 6th homer. Colt Keith has 13 homers in every season he’s been in the majors (two), and is currently hitting 12 homers. Please send donations to your nearest blood bank and get Keith the help he needs.
Kenley Jansen – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5.23 ERA, as he pitched randomly in the 7th. You know what’s way cooler? Jansen loses the next gig on the upcoming 100-loss team. Perfect, no notes. I don’t know if there will be a replacement. I think Kyle Finnegan (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.23) would be my pick, but he’s not being used as a closer, as he came in last night in the 8th.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.02. A good start? Ha! I wouldn’t even call it a good start. But this is exactly what Framber should be doing. An unusual beginning. That’s all!
Elias Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and second homer in two games. Elias Sports Bureau said, “No, he is not related to us, please stop calling here?”
Walbert Urena – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Walbert shakes his head with “Is it better to be lucky or good” and continue to come out on the side of luck.
Bryce Miller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.71. Piggyback this! I just snorted like I was Abner Uribe about to lose the next gig. Miller’s stats so far: 10.6 K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 2.64 xFIP and there’s a case to be made that he’s a top ten starter right now. It’s like all the Mariners starters get together and they’re like, “One of us could be good and we want Miller to be that guy.” Honestly, it’s a great feeling.
Manny Machado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .192. Do you have any non-homegrown hits? He asked seriously.
Jackson Merrill – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, hitting .212. I know I said I sold him a few weeks ago, but now his price is ridiculous and I think there might be an opportunity to buy. It’s a market with ebbs and flows, don’t get me started on the obvious.
Randy Vasquez – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.71 vs. Roki Sasaki – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40. This match was billed as, “Can you believe how much energy we put into thinking about these disgusting boys?”
Dalton Rushing – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .263. After the home run, he showed a video of Ohtani to try to help him hit homers, and Ohtani said through an interpreter, “Please get away from me.”
Kyle Tucker – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .249. He has to get hot sometimes, right? [the silence of 1,000 monks]…right?
Jacob Misiorowski – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, 1.47 ERA, but also gave up four more hits. A rant I’ve done before, but it was a short day on the schedule, so buckle up! So, the IO Update gave Jose Trevino a three-run homer. Embarrassing? Yes, but more importantly, it’s so stupid that home runs allowed can be found. I get why they are in some situations, but at least a hitter who hits a real home run should be earned. I have Mis in the league, so I’m glad she didn’t get it, but it’s also pretty dumb. Okay, repeat the objection! Now, look at this stunner, made incredibly funny by having Trevor Rogers on top:
Lowest ERA in 17 starts of a season, in the last 50 years:
2025 Trevor Rogers: 1.35
2000 Pedro Martínez: 1.38
2005 Roger Clemens: 1.41
2026 Jacob Misiorowski: 1.47— Sarah Langs (@SlangsOnSports) July 2, 2026
Garrett Mitchell – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer. He has to do steroids just so we can get another Mitchell report.
Chase Burns – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.40. The burn was good; I wrote a pre-season post; I love him; semicolons are nice, but I’m concerned he’s more than a 3.00 ERA pitcher and we’re getting a little spoiled here. In other words, Burns after learning.
Sal Stewart – 1-for-4, and his 17th homer, second homer in three games, third homer of the week. Sal seemed like a big April product, and probably still is, but the current heat is good, unless it’s humid. Moisture, destroys everything.
TJ Friedl – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. It was his first song since May 29. Friedl-y is an adjective when a guy gets so bad it makes me spit out my Fribble.
Davis Martin – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, 5 walks, zero strikeouts, 3.08 ERA. I’m not sure how anyone can allow six hits and five walks in just three innings, and not one, but only two earned runs. That sounds mathematically impossible. Not statistically though. I overdid it, didn’t I? Alas! I’m currently working on the top 100 in part 2 (I’ll be on Patreon next week and on the site a week during the break), and I was thinking about Martin, and, after one start, I think I need to reevaluate. That was as bad as it started.
Chase Meidroth – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I looked at Meidroth’s Player Rating and saw him close to Ernie Clement and close to 200 overall. Clement appears to be a middle-class unbeliever who is very respectable. His three million votes should have sparked a council to look into taking the All-Star votes away from the fans.
Grant Taylor – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3.02 ERA. “I should be able to get through an inning, but I’d like you to keep him in the 9th. It would help my dream team and your team.” How to send a trip to Will Venable? Oh, I might add, “Have you seen Celtic Pride? Well, think of Sir Anthony Hopkins who starred as Seranthony Dominguez and that’s what happens when you go back to him as a closer.” Is it better?
Slade Cecconi – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.44. Obviously, not a great start, but, honestly, it wasn’t as bad as Davis Martin’s. Streamonator hates Cecconi’s next debut and I have no special feelings about it.
David Fry – 1-for-1 with his 6th homer, and second homer in two games. He won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon because el oh el, it’s David Fry, but he’s here now.
Brian Rocchio – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. This home run was his job for a living, his second job, I know because they said it after they hit a bad pole, and as I shook my head I muttered, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Dustin May – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.80. Never in the history of baseball has a player been broken, then fixed, then broken again as quickly as Dustin May. Elias Sports Bureau said, “If you say so, sure. How could we search for that?”
Jordan Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer. Good to see him come out of his little slump (3 HRs in June, hit .283). Please save those long stats so I can sign you up next year!
Nathan Church – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. The power of the Church compels you!
Alec Burleson – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .274. He is very down to earth and strong. I like Burleson a lot, and I usually don’t like players like Burleson. I’m showing real growth!
Hurston Waldrep – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.68, as he moves back into the Braves rotation, if they keep skipping Elder, which might not be the worst move for the Braves, but I can’t say I’m particularly enthusiastic about Waldrep. Maybe Waldrep can knock off a good month or two, and you don’t need much from a waiver pitcher at this point, but his command is so bad, I won’t even use the Streamonator on him.
Mickey Moniak – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Not to shock you, but Moniak has only played in 53 games. He is on pace for 45 homers.
Jake McCarthy – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. The Rockies and A’s should only play home games at or against each other.
Jared Jones – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.28. His best start was easy, and he couldn’t throw more than 73 pitches. (I don’t think he was hurt; I looked up the info on why he was pitched and got nothing, so I think it’s because all the pitchers throw like relievers.)
Andy Rodriguez – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Andrew! You’ll be in today’s Buy column, because why not?
Nick Gonzales – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .305. So much for 4020, because he doesn’t hit with much power or speed, but hitting .300+ today is amazing. The word “modern day” is a very old code word. “These days, matcha this, Dubai chocolate that!
