Mike Trout hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Okay, I said it would happen after his 12th homer, and he has 17, so I sued him with my Franklin Mint Civil War pewter chess set. Family heirloom, you monsters! But take it! Leave me my Simpsons pewter chess board! Don’t take my Ned Flanders chess piece! You animal! So, to fill Trout it is Christian Moore (1-for-4), who was sent back to join the Angels in SacTown and Moore was like, “Wait, aren’t these kids? Am I being snobbish? I can say Punk’d but none of my peers know what Punk’d means. Look, I’m only 23.” He was tearing up Triple-A with 195 ABs (252 PAs). 9/10/.333 with 19.4 BB% and 21.4 K%, which are crazy numbers, but the Angels’ Triple-A play in the PCL, which is like hitting the moon with helium bats. I’ve seen a flyer in any deep league mix power and speed, and I’ve seen if his minor league numbers don’t translate, otherwise the monocle is too shallow. Like the monocle on my Kommandant Wilhelm Klink pewter chess piece in my Hogan’s Heroes set. I collect pewter chess pieces, so! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gage Jump – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.37. I should be the leader, but I just gave you a Gage Jump fantasy not too long ago, it’s not my fault you didn’t know who he was when I did it the first time. The gist of it, “Gage calculates his 96 MPH fastball well, that is, Jump ‘n flash found gas. He also had command until this year, and lost a little. With 13.3 K/9 and 4.7 BB/9 this year in 38 IP in Triple-A, it highlights the pros and cons of roofing to Bing Bo in any league.” And I’m the one you’re quoting! As I’ve said before, I’m not telling you to try everyone in any league. They should be worth it. Jump is worth it.
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. My doctor told me to drink a lot of water to avoid kidney stones, and I was like, and Cougs was like, “No, you’re drinking seltzer,” and I couldn’t convince him that it was water. I am asking for help.
Shea Langeliers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Thanks, Bangeliers, I wish I could get another one!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer, hitting .279. I stared at the sun, it was not so bright. Dad, are the sun spots on my retina from Vlad Jr.’s homers? They are so bright that I fear I will never see anything again. What a glorious thing to behold. Even if it was the last thing I ever saw. Thank you, Vlad Jr., for changing my view of your family.
Nathan Lukes – 1-for-4, with his 2nd homer, hitting .313. Do you ever walk with a hot dog behind someone named Nathan, and say to anyone passing by, “Nathan’s,” when Nathan turns around and says, “Not you,” or is it just me?
Trey Yesavage – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76. I hope this million dollar idea works, I bought a lot of steins to sell outside the stadium the next time we get a Nats vs. Jays. Have you heard of the Vedder Cup? This is Yesavage/Mead Stein.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. An embarrassing snafu occurred after the game. Gray was taking questions from reporters wearing a Dodgers cap. You have to trade first man, go.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-3, and his 2nd homer, hitting .277. The Israeli Diner Falafel is made from the same chickpea that the government charges R. Kelly.
Caleb Durbin – 1-for-3, and his 4th homer, hitting .192. Want to laugh? Durbin has 14 K%. Do you know how many 46 MPH bases to 2nd base you have to hit to make that many contacts and hit .192? [shudders]
Jack Leiter – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.29. Passing by Jack Leiter’s trash outside his house, and taking a yogurt lid and licking it, he sat behind Al Leiter on the plane home, and plucked the hair from his head. Now, I am sending my ‘evidence’ to Ancestry dot com to see if Jack was found.
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. You know how every team has a home run celebration in the dugout after a home run? The Rangers have Wyatt looking at MRI scans of his oblique and quad. Nice, I love it.
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Is it four out of five years of being beautiful, and it seems like it’s never been included when someone says, “Who’s amazing?” Joe Ryan is amazing! War Room knows.
Brooks Lee – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .238. He has 12 homers. I feel like I need to say that again. Brooks Lee has 12 homers. Feel like a little kid on his first hit of nitrous. Brooks Lee has 12 homers!
Trevor Larnach – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hot schmotato alert! It should be in today’s Buy column, but not because it’s here now!
Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.94. And now it’s going to be a four-inning pitcher following Bryce Miller or starting Gilbert or some nonsense. I don’t think you realize how bad this is going to be in terms of fantasy value. I am very tired. These guys should be 20 starters, and the Ms. treat them like Chad Patrick.
Shane Baz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04. O’s must be on a West Coast swing, because Streamonator says he should go to the House That Bobby Grich Built next. I have no problem with that.
Colson Montgomery – 2-for-3, and his 20th homer, his 3rd homer in two games, his fourth homer in four games, and, if you wrote Colson over Tatis, people would think you had marbles on your head, not just regular marbles, but the ones that were set back so they wouldn’t roll properly and be like, “Hey, you’re from Marblehead?” and you will be doing better right now.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-1, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .242, and 2nd homer in three games, third homer this week, and he won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, but here he is now.
Sean Burke – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Not bad for a Hot Ones host. Burke followed the opener, and I’m not mad at him, if he does that at Yankee Stadium. However, this is not your slightly older cousin’s Yankees. With the jury out, even Ben Rice is Has Ben. Any hoo! Burke is sitting at 9 K/9, 3.2 BB/9, and four above-average pitches.
Ryan Weathers – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Three very good pitches and a very bad fastball. Yes, because I was looking at Burke’s places, I also looked at Weathers’s.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – He left the game after fouling the ball on his stomach. Have you heard of Jazz Hands? Well, you have Jazz Beans!
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer, hitting .211. Think I’ve said this before, but if anyone has less legend value than McMahon, he should be automatically retired for at least a year. “Hi, thanks for playing baseball, but you can’t anymore. Sorry,” he scrolls down the list to find the name of the person he’s talking to, then continues, “Ezequiel Tovar. You can reapply for baseball next year.”
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .294. Those are de Witt’s delights with Ropers.
Jac Caglianone – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .266, four homers in June, and hitting over .350. He seems to play better when he is the only Italian in the spotlight. He would have been great as Joey Tribbiani.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .207. It does not go by Sal P. to avoid confusing Caglianone. “You’re from Venezuela, Jac, don’t stop taking swings at Cage-lianone.”
Noah Cameron – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.20. The Royals came out on top and Cameron sailed to Côte d’Ivictorie for a free night in the W.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4 with two homers (16, 17), hitting .300. Sexy Dr. Pepper is not hitting better because Lindor is out. They have no conflict. Stop pretending something isn’t real by saying it. Wait, it’s nothing, right?
Adolis Garcia – He is out for the season after having surgery on his latissimus dorsi. Ah snap, Adolis is a dolphin.
Travis Bazzana – 1-for-3, and his 5th homer, hitting .250. I checked the Player Rater to see if Bazzana was better than I expected, but then I realized that wasn’t fair because he hadn’t been up all year so I went to the 30-day Player Rater, and that wasn’t a good showing for him either.
David Fry – 1-for-2, and his 4th homer, hitting .230. The problem with me rereading the day’s games is that I see something like, “David Fry just hit his 4th homer,” and cheering for Vlad Jr.’s 4th home run.
Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-3, and his 8th homer, hitting .237. Because I was looking at Player Rater for Bazzana, I looked at Manzardo and he is very bad. Rangers are the best team to do the most with the least.
Parker Messick – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Messick is playing well, and I bet he can get better. Caregivers aren’t bad with their potions, but check this out in the next blurb. Yes, I make a proprietary setup blurb — setuplurb!
Shane Drohan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Brewers pitching coach in top hat with magic wand standing on stage, “For our next trick, we’re going to turn Shane Dolran–What’s his name? Drohan. That one. We’re switching Jan Drohan–Shane? Okay, whatever his name is! We’re making him the third starter.” Relatedly, I recently saw Joel Kuhnel average 94 MPH on his fastball *until* he was traded to the Brewers. He is now averaging 99.6 MPH. I’m not kidding. We need to investigate the Brewers.
