PSYCHE! This post was released a week ago to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Harry Ford – Because he was called in between the Gray roundups, I didn’t get a chance to give you my thoughts on Harry Ford, either. First, his full name is Harrison Ford. I’m not kidding. Yes, you can call him Han Solo. Can he be better than Boba Chette? Han has strength, speed, and a great dog companion. He went 7/35 in Double-A and 16/7 last year in Triple-A, but he’s behind Keibert Ruiz, who’s not saying anything. Especially in deep, two-catcher leagues.
Patrick Bailey – The hottest catcher in baseball this week (ranked in the lower 50% of leagues) is also played by America’s most likable actor. The worst from Jimmy Stewart, “Now, excuse me, Mr. Potter, but I have real value in two catch leagues.”
France – Zero fantasy value other than the occasional homer and–Oh, man, I just realized he was better than Vlad Jr. Moving forward!
Jacob Gonzalez – Keep forgetting that he was traded from the White Sox to the Pirates this month. I’m not entirely sure why either, but, as my high school English teacher would say about my excessive use of semicolons, “I don’t care why you’re doing what you’re doing; just stop.” Jacob Gonzalez is one of the hottest bats in baseball and has solid connection (20.2 K%) and four homers with a 37% HardHit.
Tommy White – He’s like other A’s hitters, and one of the reasons I like a lot of them – Joshua Kuroda-Grauer (RIP your nuts), White, Jacob Wilson – because they all communicate so much. White had a 13-ish K% over two years in the minors and is only 23 years old. He’s been heavily blocked by Kurtz, when the latter is healthy, so he might be our best hope for White in AL-Only leagues in the next day or so.
Andres Chaparro – His manager thinks he should be signed with the llamas, which is Moron City, because he hits righties better than lefties. Give him one of those straw hiking backpacks, because he’s a broken llama.
Tim Tawa – He took Pavin Smith, who was sent to the minors. Smith’s garbage stats were there [pinkie to mouth] Pavin the way. Is Tawa better? Well, power, speed and power hit .210.
Nick Gonzales – Looked at the league leaders in average the other day and saw Gonzales, Otto Lopez, Arraez and Yandy in the top five (Yordan finished) and decided to open the top 20 in average. The comedy group Who Now? and Oh, Really? To hear you say “Huh? No Way,” the league leaders in average, the Rockies are dominated by three guys.
Cole Young – I’m already looking at him in the dream baseball dream of 2027. Yes, sickness!
Joey Ortiz – Pick him up if you need some power, speed and a hot bat. That’s my JOI. [intern whispers] No, it stands for Joey Ortiz Instructions. Everyone knows that.
Cooper Pratt – As I said before, “Pratt’s MiLB stats: 6/17/.244 and 14.3 K% and 13.2 BB. So, they have another Brice Turang. Actually, I said that to Lara too. So, they have three Turangs. Holy Crap, Repetition!” And I’m the one you’re quoting! The worst thing is that each of them loses a little bit with each new Turang.
The Griffin Conine – He and Kyle Karros should bring their Nepo Baby handshake. Like, instead of shaking hands, they pretend to pick up their father’s car keys and credit cards.
Lane Thomas – Raise your hand if you won Thomas’ 28/20/.268 season in 2023. Now raise your hand if you fell for him in 2024, 2025 and don’t be with him in 2026. I have run out of hands.
Jacob Young – Surprised to see him as the top player in the 7-day Player Rater. Better than Petey Halpin? You must be foolin’! You should be acting ‘stupid’ right now! I’m talking Petey Halpin!
Braden Montgomery – About half a year into his minor and major league numbers, he’ll be hitting 28/10/.270. It’s a great thing to combine MiLB and MLB stats, but I’m janky, y’all!
Steven Kwan – He’s been hot, like everyone else in this post, more or less, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I saw Kwan’s HardHit% and I salivated and my saliva explained, “Is this the lowest HardHit% ever?” It’s not, but it’s incredibly low. According to Cronenworth, the lowest HardHit% (10.9) since 2000 is by Jamey Carroll, a classic shortstop, who also hit .290 that year.
Victor Mesa Jr. – ViMeJu isn’t just an Indian pharmacist who loudly announces in the store, “You like your Vicodin, huh?” but he is also one of the hottest bats right now.
Joc Pederson – Played much better this year with Tommy Pham out of the league. He wants to know.
Robert Gasser – This is a Streamonator phone, like the phone you make at Macy’s home goods.
Nick Martinez – This is also a Streamonator call. “I think if you put your top blender on the phone you’ll see that it wants to talk to me too.”
Tyler Wells -The closest thing is the kind that had a bad start, right? Okay, Mariano Rivera? Good, then tell Wells. Please. This could also be Andrew Kittredge.
Jacob Webb – He’s been strong, but also doesn’t seem automatic at all. Auto by Craig Counsell.
Mason Montgomery – He should be the closer for the Pirates, but he is a lefty, and LL Donkey seems to want Gregory Soto to work if the job goes to lefty.
Michael Petersen – Pete Fairbanks has broken down a little bit all year and the Marlins are always trading closers, whether they are winning or losing. He thinks the same about Aroldis Chapman as well. Oh, yeah, the Red Sox will never trade a guy who makes their team better. That’s right.
Juan Morillo – Paul Sewald has been good for a while, but this is your average download of the week. Morillo comes with gas, but I’m not talking about gas when I say Morillo makes me want to cut cheese! Wait, I’m thinking of membrillo. Morillo probably won’t be on the save line, but he’s been solid in the ratings and the quince–I mean, Ks.
Sell it
Ozzie Albies – This Sell hurts my soul, because I love Albies. He is the same height as me. By the rule of Gary Coleman’s Last Will and Testament, “Short Kings must meet,” and I am the one who violates that provision. I failed, Ozzie, you didn’t judge me! Although, he let me down a bit by not stealing more, and, um, again:
I just threw up in my mouth, spat on the floor and it said “Clean.” I’m pretty blown away here by how bad he looks. Now, Ozzie was never the Ohtani of Exit Velocity. OEV was not there. He was no better than Masyn Winn, but this is the next level down from Ozzie. He was over 32% in HardHit%, now he has not reduced 28%. He used to use 8-9% in barrels, now he’s not putting out 4% anymore. Everything is very good. The fact that Ozzie has homered a few times this week means he’s hot and will continue to be for the next few days, but it also gives you an opportunity to trade him. I wouldn’t trade Ozzie Albies for a honking car horn, “Nerd Alert,” but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore the options.
