Brandon Woodruff went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, 3.00 ERA as activated from IL. He was among the starters and non-starters in most leagues. Deep leagues like NL-Only, and I had to start him. In the shallow leagues, I left him in IL. Now? Yes, I’m an idiot. What did I start with? Am I really stupid? Can someone smell my breath and tell me if I’m drunk? Is it me? I haven’t had a drink in about twelve years but, boy, I must be drunk! Someone just insulted me, he must be talking about me. It’s coming! I’m an idiot! Let me pass! They need me to make a stupid decision! Wait, it gets better, Brady Singer (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.81) was the guy I was broadcasting against. Was this match what Joker wants in Gotham – batless? Sans bats? Nobody has rabies because there are no bats? Do I have rabies and that’s why I talk endlessly? Answer someone! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gerrit Cole – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.62. He watched most of these starts and 1) There was a bad defense behind him. Caballero let one ball go over the wall and stopped running after it, allowing a very easy triple. 2) You can’t make every excuse, Cole wasn’t sharp with his command. He was only allowed one walk, but he was commanding at the plate. 3) There is no 3.
Amed Rosario – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Call an ambulance but not Amed!
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Cole looked worse than his line, and Framber did too. Maybe this is a good start to build, maybe this is your only chance to sell him. As a team smoker, I lean toward the latter.
Riley Greene – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .292. Not a bad season at all from Greene, but empty thanks to the guys around him have been iffy at best. He’s sitting around 130th overall on Player Rater (as of right now, it will change overnight), and that’s because he has 34 RBIs. He’s on pace for 70 RBIs as a cleanup spot.
The Will Vest – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.61, and 2nd save, and Kenley has not appeared since Saturday. Cool, cool, everything is fine. Kenley needs more days off. I guess. I don’t know.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 with his 25th homer. It was clear just how good Buxton has been when Shohei Ohtani (1-for-4) hit just his 17th homer in the same game. I know, Buxton isn’t a top five starter, but for me in a weekly league with Ohtani, I’ve never started him as a pitcher, so tell me why I should be so excited!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. Freeman or Aranda? Freeman or Bauers? As of yesterday, Aranda and Bauers were both ahead of him on Player Rater.
Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.87, ERA on the Dodgers is 2.09 in 34 1/3 IP. It’s so funny how everyone thinks the Dodgers just fixed Lauer instead of being more visible, they are a bunch of cheating ess oh bee!
Zebby Matthews – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.56. Yesterday was a great first day. I saved all my starters last Sunday when it was a bad day! I couldn’t get past the shop window mannequin. And none of those weird mannequins that Andrew McCarthy was hitting on The Mannequin. I mean a good old dummy!
Bobby Witt Jr. – Qutraro said, the Royals are “hopeful” Bobby Witt Jr. (knee) will be available in a few days. So, Qutraro is as stupid as he is bad.
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Finally drop Lugo down one league – that’s huge for me, I love these schmohawks – and Wacha would be in the same boat if I had him. The best Streamonator.
Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.62. You can’t celebrate Ras!
Nick Madrigal – Designed for assignment. It’s a tough break because after being cut by the Angels, you can only go to Japan to work your way back. As Marlon Brando once said, “Sayonara, Madrigal.”
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer as a starter since IL. That puts Christian Moore on a team with Wade Meckler. The Mookler.
Kyle Bradish – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.64. He and Trevor Rogers can lead me to the Promised Land. And the O’s? Meh, I think, who cares?
Taylor Ward – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Finally, the heat? Please do!
Coby Mayo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. All failed O’s hopefuls must share the math. So, you write Cowser, he says, and you get the statistics of Mayo, Cowser, and Holliday. You’ll still have less than, I don’t know, Dillon Dingler, but you don’t make a Dingler without breaking a few scouts’ hearts.
Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-3 with his 17th homer, hitting .231. Someone yesterday asked Eugenio or Okamoto, and I had to agree: Okamoto. You basically do what you want from Eugenio. Power and no measure. If you had 17 homers and .230 from Eugenio, you’d be over the moon.
Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Bro is almost as economical as using hundred dollar bills as their post.
Jordan Alvarez – 1-for-2, 1 run. He said he will not participate in the Home Run Derby this year because he does not want to be Vlad Jr.
Hunter Brown – 3 IP, 1 ER, 1.40 ERA, and 85 pitches after taking a back-to-back, uh, back-to-back. His speed was always hitting 97; yesterday, it was 94 o’clock. Brown food is not tasty, so you don’t want him to be cooked, but he doesn’t like what I see.
Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. I wanted to dirty my ol’ noggin like crazy and it would have been better if I didn’t know, so I looked up who Ezequiel was better than the Player Leveler, and now you will too! Tarik Skubal, Kevin Gausman, Seiya Suzuki, Shota Imanaga, Michael Busch and Raisel Iglesias were the guys who followed him. Your top 100 players are run-of-the-mill draft picks.
Tyler Phillips – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Wanna hear a little funny of idiocy? I put Woodruff in the same league, I didn’t start him, but to start him I had to drop Tyler Phillips. In that league, I dropped Kumar Rocker (5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.14). I silently cried as I sang, ‘”Give me the beat boys and set my soul free, I want to get lost in your rock and roll…And I’m swept away…” The nose screamed, “…Go away!”
Tommy Troy – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. I got Troy’s homer in two leagues, but that O’Henry-ass shizz. Trust me, my teams don’t do well when I start Tommy Troy anywhere.
Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Fantasy Baseball Overlord yesterday was like, “What if every pitcher is good?” Thanks, FBO!
Foster Griffin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Yesterday was a great start for everyone, except for aces like Cole and Brown, but Griffin has been great all year. He’s at 91 1/3 IP and around .3.50 xFIP. He’s not bad. Still, the Nats’ pen can’t catch a lead to save their lives. (Pun noted and I made no effort to avoid it. You don’t pay me enough to avoid puns.)
Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer, hitting 8. As if opening a pack of Pokemon cards, “LuGaJu!” You’ll start calling him Illustrator. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky. Not sure why he’s ranked 8th, though. Most confusingly, Dylan Crews (2-for-5, 1 RBI) hit third. He’s hitting .209, and he hasn’t been good for nearly his entire career.
Curtis Mead – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .227. May was very good to Mead; June was a bit of a downer. July? You can write your own story. (And it will be useless again until Mead.)
Brandon Marsh – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer, hitting .311. Still in the top 20 overall. Not for All-Star voting though, it’s like him, Shohei and the rest of the Blue Jays as All-Star starters, as voted on by the fans. Seriously, Shohei leads the way in votes, with Ernie Clement second. We think we should give Canada another MLB team just so we can split their All-Star votes.
Manny Machado – 2-for-3 with his 14th homer, hitting .185. No one scored yesterday but Machado scored. That’s what we need from him, on the opposite day.
Michael King – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.33. I was closing yesterday, and I couldn’t break 40 MPH on the radar gun.
Anthony Kay – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.24. I have to thank the host of this week’s podcast, Mike, for his suggestion of Anthony Kay. After I got off the pod, I took Kay, after hearing Mike say his matchups. Streamonator had him yesterday with hope, which you won’t see from Kay.
Seranthony Dominguez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.45, and 5th blown save. There is a trick to using your worst shortcut as your closest. The higher you go, the more you will understand.
Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.82. A decent pitcher like Williams? Of course he was going to play well yesterday. Yesterday was the best average pitchers day of all time. Not since 1969 when Jimothy McRunch of the Red Sox threw 8 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, and they were like we have to lower the mound 36 inches, did a lot of average pitchers pitch well.
Jake Bennett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.71 vs. Ryan Feltner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.79. How good was the run across the league yesterday? These two schmohawks are throwing aces.
Mickey Moniak – 1-for-1 as activated from IL. I was so happy to see this, then it made me so sad when I saw how sad it was to see Moniak come back. So you can imagine how I felt when I saw it didn’t start.
Places to stay in Triston Casas – Hits the tee and soft toss. That makes him seven years into his rehab. Next up, Little League.
