‘Unplugged cast member? I got another show for you, Uncorked. That’s when the nearly 29-year-old player, who has been young for so long that when you open their minor league stats on FanGraphs, you get a pin in your browser and your shizz time is over. A decade of baseball chops ready to fly! We’re talking baseball chops that call Brady Anderson and Nick Swisher ready to fly! You know when the bull is in the pen ready to kick the shorts that always love someone to shame? That’s what happens when players are ten years younger. Then they DON’T PAY! Coming to MLB Network, Carlos Cortes NOT PAID. Cortes struggled to make himself important enough to the kids for years, but he was in the Mets’ org (they know what they’re doing). Once in SacTown A his power was unleashed – 17 HRs in just 267 ABs, and he now has home runs in Bing Bong. So, stop crying for power, or being a wino, as it is unknown, and UNCORKED with Carlos Cortes. Anyway, here are some players you can buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week ago to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Luis Campusano – Has anyone ever heard of the country where he plays? If his middle name was San, he might as well start writing people tickets at the beater’s box to help pay the police department.
Pedro Pages – Jim Henson would have liked a cartoon called Petey Pages as a tool to teach children to read in a fun and original way. On the other side that’s really related to the pages, a lot of part-time anglers have good fantasy value this year, right? Herrera, Basallo, Hicks, Moises, Campusano, Rushing, just off the top. Some of those guys obviously get a decent number of DH at-bats (Herrera, Basallo, Hicks) but they also have great catchers in front of them.
Ildemaro Vargas – Nice to see Ildemaro having a good week in the 7-day Player Rater as he sounds like a small ristorante with good mussels in red sauce and he has a month of work at 34.
Nathaniel Lowe – This is funny (only to me). Last week there were very few first basemen to catch waivers, and this cold corner trophy runs with a bunch of options.
France – It was hot but I hope France is not as good as it is in your retirement.
Edouard Julien – If he wins 75% of the time for the Rockies, and of course, he can be pitched in 100% of the leagues.
Miguel Vargas – It has interesting basic numbers. He doesn’t hit at all, and has a career .205 average. That sends me to his HardHit% and that’s average. So where does that send me? Any guesses? In Oregon? No, what? It sends me looking at his Launch Angle; you hit the ball straight down or 285 feet in the air. Any guess what it is. As a team player who smokes, lean towards the latter. His stats look to be around 25/15/.230, which is nothing in most leagues. Those are probably his ceiling figures.
Travis Bazzana – You have already given me my Travis Bazzana dream. It was Bazzanas! THE ZZ-ANAS!
Angel Martinez – You know what’s funny? He could easily be better than Travis Bazzana, but I agree with your push for Bazzana over Angel. When this is boring, we always look up.
Nasim Nunez – Wanna says he’s appeared in more Buy columns than he has, although he’s also SAGNOF and not much else.
Nick Gonzales – The best thing I can say about him is that he is doing much better than I thought he would. *A lot* not just a little. Probably a high BABIP product, though.
Brooks Lee – Be Water, a young man with premature baldness. Join the rope of abandonment, and your infirmity of the unbeliever in the middle.
Luis Garcia Jr. – It makes no sense why he’s been in the team his entire career. He has a career average of .237 vs. lefties in 532 ABs. That’s basically league average these days with guys hitting .180 like en bee dee. It’s also surprising how much I liked Lu-Ga-Ju more than his team. I also like Lou-Gu-Ju better than most. There may be something to them that sounds like anime characters. Hmm.
Casey Schmitt – “Schmitt happens” is a phrase that is said when Casey is scheduled about six to twelve days a season.
Jose Fernandez – He was so happy he got first base eligibility in one of my deepest leagues, because I was playing Curtis Mead there (I said deep), and now that I’m looking at Jo-Fer’s stats I’m making a Larry David Meh Face.
Masyn Winn – I went to look at Player Rater to see that Winn was more valuable than Witt, and you know how much courage I needed to do that since I had Witt and not Winn? I am actually the bravest man in the world. Witt was still ahead. Small capital letters.
Isaac Paredes – If Jeremy Pena is going to stay for a very long time, I will have Paredes as the biggest acquisition in the history of acquisitions, but I don’t know his playing time once Pena is back. Singing sadly, “If you like Jeremy Pena to play, and make love in the rain…”
Caleb Durbin – Kinda surprising 10/15/.250 hitter at 3rd base wasn’t the big coup the Red Sox thought it would be for their team. /sarcastic font
Nathan Church – Snoop Dogg will call him Tha Chuuuch. It is important to know that. Now that you do, what else do you need? Nothing really.
Jung Hoo Lee – It’s Janky City this week that foreign players were hot. Church, Lee, Thomas, Collins? It sounds like a Tom Collins with a splash of red wine.
Alex Thomas – Speaking of Tom Collins, there’s a chance there’s a hangover from this week’s Buy column from the Mexico series that boosts the numbers for the DBags and Padres hitters.
Isaac Collins – Actually, you liked Collins coming into this season. And you still do. She was hotter than hot, but I’m a monocle if the following happens.
Foster Griffin – This is a Streamonator call like the call you make at a roller skating rink.
Mitch Keller – This is also a Streamonator call. “Instead of renting skates, can I just use my roller skates?”
Tanner Scott – I was walking around my room on a cloud of happiness, when I saw I won Scott this past Sunday at FAAB for only $7 out of $100. That’s pretty cool, I thought. Then he pitched into the 7th inning on Monday and I Lisa Simpson’d muttering the word “bullpens.” This could be Alex Vesia, Blake Treinen, and I still believe Will Klein can see opps.
Jack Perkins – The A’s will get a new record for the appearance of the nearest new Buy column. They still have a long way to go to match the rest of the Phillies’ 2010 bullpens. You need Hector Neris badly!
Brad Keller – He fit in well in some of those pens led by Hector Neris.
Tyler Phillips – Did my first mid-year shopping spree because of those new items, and now she can get savings thanks to Fairbanks’ idea! [smacks head Moe-style] This could be Calvin Faucher, Andrew Nardi, Anthony Bender, literally anyone in the Marlins bullpen.
Antonio Senzatela – Victor Vodnik sounds like MF DOOM’s nickname, and he’s Coffin Nails Accordion in my estimation. So, maybe Senzatela gets the light and that’s it.
Louis Varland – I wonder how much the shooting of Cora and Thomson affected John Schneider’s thought process in going with Varland over Hoffman. Not blatantly, but there should be awareness.
Jacob Latz – His peripherals are ridiculously bad, but guess what, Jakob Junis hasn’t gotten much better.
Juan Morillo – Morillo is why it is not possible to measure or write intermediate cuts. They just keep coming out. His peripherals are abysmal. Had they been? Never, nuh-uh, ever. Which leads me to believe that it may not continue, but maybe Morillo willo.
Sell it
Fernando Tatis Jr. – One word: Scared. Two words: Uh oh. Three words: Enjoy the Gems. Four words: Escape the Gems. His Statcast blew me away. How quickly can he adjust his Launch angle? Because the shizz is broken. He looks like the worms should call one of those park bench lawyers and sue him. (By the way, I googled “Can worms sue” and my google answered, “Do you have a brain injury?”) Funnily Gems hit the ball as hard as anyone in the majors, but if you’re driving the ball down the field and hitting the bases 4 1/2 feet at 110 MPH, it’s not good for your fantasy value. There’s hope here because of how hard he’s hitting the ball, but his ground balls have been trending up (oddly) the last few years, and he’s looking a lot like Christian Yelich. He’s not a useless player, but a 20/20/.280 hitter is far different than a top 12 perfect player. I checked the options.
