I wrote MacKenzie Gore year after year. You could see because the seasons changed like in Notting Hill after she left him. The only difference is that MacKenzie Gore didn’t stand in front of me before the season and say, “I’m just a guy standing in front of a handsome man asking him to draft me again.” Except I was out that day. That would be a shame. Imagine that the whole plot of Notting Hill depended on Hugh Grant being at home when he came to beg for his love, and he was going out to get milk. I would like to see the release of the movies where the actor does some work. “Freakin’ love that scene in King Kong when he takes him to the top of the Empire State Building, but did you see the scene where they go to the store to get milk and Kong waits in the car? It’s so funny, too.” So, MacKenzie Gore (5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.76) is a smoke show. Unblemished dirt so far: 13.8 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 2.01 xFIP and pitching that’s better than his already outstanding ERA. As for unconditionally trusting the Brewers starters, I might start doing that with the Rangers starters. Especially the park. I loved Gore every year, then he went to the best pitcher’s place and I was out [smacks head] Dumb! Why should I go out to get milk? Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cole Winn – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00. [sees in box score Winn got save] Well done, Keaton! I knew Ryan Walker–Oh, Rangers. Every reliever but Robert Garcia will get a save in Texas. A certain person named R. Garcia in Baltimore has a save!
Victor Robles – Hit IL with pectoral strain. Connor Joe was remembered. That should answer Connor Joe’s questions about where he came from and where he is going. Tacoma is where he came from, Connor Joe.
Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Lowercase Woo!
Shane Smith – Sent to children. The White Sox posted their Opening Day starter in less than two weeks. For the first time this year we’re getting an unusual boost, and it’s not understated – double negatives be damned! I feel partly responsible because I liked him a decent amount of money coming in a year. Ironically, in his start on Tuesday, his changeup was Stuff+’s best pitch of the entire day of games for all pitchers. He also couldn’t find anything else, so alas.
Kyle Bradish – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.27. With yesterday’s comments, you’d think you killed someone else’s dog or pulled an eight-figure Framber. Sure, you want more, but if 5 IP, 2 ER and 7 Ks is your worst start, you’re winning your league.
Johan Oviedo – Dealing with a torn right flexor, and closed for six weeks. His right flexor saw its shadow.
Sonny Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.76. [sees it’s an even year] Damn, you win again, Saberhagenmetricians!
Christian Koss – 0-for-3 as he struck out 9. Every day Tonnato Vitello wakes up and says, “I know what’s going to fix this Giants team!” then put a random guy in the nine hole.
Tyler Mahle – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. San Fran running out of there T. They are beautiful. I should have gone to the Mission district.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his second homer. Devers delivers!
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Streamonator liked this start; I don’t trust Nola at all, but I would start anyone in San Fran right now. Tony Veal can’t cut it.
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-2, 3 runs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Don’t come to the Rockies right now! This is Rocktoberil! Uhh…Aprickies! Uhhh…Rockpril!
Cristian Javier – He left the game with a strong shoulder. Feel like this is the end of Javier’s MLB career. If so, it was worth it to Coors, because that’s what happens to every startup that calls Coors home.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and one big shame on Grant Holmes and his mullet, that he didn’t throw it up sooner and to Soler, backing him up. Soler was suspended seven games for his altercation Tuesday night, while Reynaldo Lopez received a five-game suspension. Sole charged him. Did Lopez have to run straight to the outfield, into the barn, out of the barn, into the parking lot and onto the 5 freeway and Laguna to see Kristin and LC? That’s what I would do, but I don’t understand stopping Lopez at all. Yes, I know he hit him with a baseball. Good! Should Lopez have called the police? What method does he have? Run to the conference? This is dumb.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Another 32-for-35 homers.
Grant Holmes – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.55. He can see Streamonator, but his numbers look flawless in shallow leagues. Keep starting him and he’ll be buried in Grant’s grave. Bhuyah! Nailed it! High five me! No? That’s right.
David Peterson – 5 IP, 5 ER, 6.14 ERA. Welp, something is wrong with him. I wouldn’t start him anywhere, I would look elsewhere in the mixed leagues.
Ryne Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. In the beginning, he had a great game and I thought that Nelson might be the leader today because of how well he played, but he ended up a little below the Quality Start and his peripherals (it’s early) don’t look very impressive. Ignore him, but he is actually number five to six.
Jordan Walker – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, second homer in two games, third homer in three games, fourth homer in five games and 100th homer of the week! When I looked back, there was only one set of steps and that’s when I knew Walker was carrying me.
Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 2.16. Streamonator doesn’t like his next, and I see no reason to push my luck and risk it.
Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Against the Dodgers, Dylan Cease could easily make your fantasy D team. Cease’d, but fortunately the departure did not bury him.
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-3, and 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.001000000000. Hey, kidding, it’s 0.000000000000, I was just wondering about your OCD.
Nico Hoerner – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Inner monologue, “Don’t think about how Nico Hoerner fed the Italian Royals with good-son-of-a-beaches. Wait, the inner monologue says I’m really thinking about it. Damn it!”
Colin Rea – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18 vs. Joe Boyle – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.17. This parallel was called, “What is Colin/Joe doing, he never answers.”
Is Warren – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. His BAA against lefties is over .400 and was .342 last year. If I were the other party, I’d just throw all the lefties against him, and, even if he’s the center vs. the lefties, he’s wrong.
Luis Severino – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. He was at Yankee Stadium for the first time since Yankees fans were like, “We should trade Severino for Mike Trout and Ohtani.”
Joel Kuhnel – 1 IP, 0 ER, 0.00 ERA and his first save for the A’s. WHO? Oh, yes, Joel Kuhnel. You know. That boy!
Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.76. Honestly, I’m not sure who in the Twins lineup could beat Framber, and, after looking at the box scores, I still don’t know. What a cruel tragedy to begin with. I’m restless and not in a fun “I’m on the beach fishing” kind of way. A surprising start against the Twins. My mind is confused!
Bailey Ober – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.27. Bailey Ober has to give up eight runs! Not Framber! Jesus H.! Who isn’t a Marlins outfielder! That’s Heriberto H.!
Connor Griffin – 0-f0r-1, 1 RBI, did not start as he was busy signing a 9-year, $140M deal. Konnor Griffin’s wife should celebrate him signing the biggest contract in Pirates history by divorcing him and take half to teach him a hard but important lesson. You can’t get married at 19.
Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.00. Mitch definitely don’t kill my vibe. I would say Sell if I think you can get him anything. I don’t want to. I was riding it out. I would make sure it’s a safe match for Streamonator because I don’t trust him at all.
Michael King – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I think you can sell the King, and I’ll be like the guy in the American flag t-shirt with the sleeves cut off at the car dealership who calls himself The Sell King, and sells the King.
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer. As far as Cronenworth goes, I think there are fewer players (7-9 hitters) in MLB hitting under .200 than at any time in baseball history. I’m like Elias Sports Bureau but with vibes.
Joey Cantillo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. I was very impressed with what I saw of Cantillo. He didn’t just take the boys out, he confused them. I will take the confusion by producing a weak contact, although the results may be the same. Taking the one guy who seems to be the apple of some people’s eyes, Cantillo looked better than Bubba Chandler. Call Cantillo Betterlicious.
Chase DeLauter – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs. He was watching the game and he hit one pitch and hit it the other way about 380 feet. You are very strong. You’ll start calling him Barry Bonds with bad feet.
Angel Martinez – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (1) and walks (2). Have a busy day, Angel! I haven’t seen an Angel this hot since Tawny Kitaen wore a Chuck Finley jersey lying on the roof of the IROC. A game like Angel usually leads to a hot schmotato run, so stay tuned! Unless Chase DeLauter.
Cole Ragans – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.91. He was hit by a backer on his hand and left the game. The Ragans forgot to duck. With his hand. It’s a good joke when you’re 70 years old.
Eury Perez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.06. His command has been inconsistent so far this year, to the point where I wonder if there is a mechanical problem. Whenever I’m having trouble with my weights, I bat my eyelashes and pull up my jogging pants to show some leg.
Michael Petersen – 1 IP, 0 ER, 5.40 ERA, and his first save. He didn’t kill his wife either, it was an owl.
Connor Norby – 2-for-4 with his first homer. “Think of a normal spell Connor.” That’s Konnor Griffin.
The Griffin Conine – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his second homer. I don’t think there is anything here, but I also see Conine leaving with the Marlins and all I can think is that there was a “Take son from work” day and Jeff left him behind.
Sal Stewart – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and walks (3). I need Guiseppe’s intervention between Sal and the Italians playing for the Royals. We need a powwow but with Italians. A WOW.
Brady Singer – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA in 7.7q. I won’t sing anything, not in the air now.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Designed for assignment. For a while I thought no one was giving him a chance, but now I think he is. Incidentally, Ryan Rowland-Smith, an Australian outfielder and former sportsman, became the first baseball player ever to have the surname coined in 2007. Now? You can’t escape it. This is another way that Australians have entered our society. First the mixed last, then the flat white all over the place, next I’ll be hunting gators! What about you have a crack somewhere else, you muppet!
