Max Scherzer left after two innings at a reduced rate – mah, only 78 to 300 wins – and things got worse. This was last year’s World Series game, and the Dodgers sent Justin Wrobleski (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, 4.00 ERA) out there to try to get the Jays a lead for most of the game to lose in the end, but no one took the Jays, I guess. Starting the action was Teoscar Hernandez (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1), and his 2nd homer in two games). That’s just great! Teoscar used to do that thing where you know you’re going to see your ex, so you wear extra cologne, whiten your teeth and say smart things around them like, “Quadratic equation.” It’s adorable! Next up was Canada’s favorite son, Freddie Freeman (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer). If I were in Canada, I would strip him of his citizenship. I can’t forget Shohei Ohtani (2-for-6, 2 runs and his 3rd homer). For the Jays, he was the one who got away, and that baseball he hit. Finally, the real star of the game, Dalton Rushing (4-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd and 3rd homers, three homers in two games). Will Smith is still ahead of him, but hot schmotato warning when Rushing plays. Maybe in the next game the Jays can go back to worrying about Miguel Rojas, the hitter, not the pitcher who threw them when they were down 13. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alejandro Kirk – He is having surgery on his thumb. It’s not yet time for him to return to baseball or to acting in Shari Lewis’s Lamb Chop.
Janson Junk – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09. “It’s time to discuss your Junk,” the urologist, who also happens to be your brother, was quoted as saying as they sat you down for the Hoarders to intervene. What, you take your brother to your urologist? Come on, man, open Google once in a while and get off your PPO. Just think, imagine that your mother was your urologist. What kind of trauma is that? Okay, more or less if it was your proctologist? I need serious serious answers after you talk about that for five minutes. Would you rather your moms were up than your trash? Then explain why. In 500 words or less. So, Janson looks good. Better than yesterday’s results. I don’t know where it came from, but he got two plus miles on his fastball with that extra ooooMPH (Rudy blew me off when I introduced marker pills), and he’s always had good command. If he can maintain his new speed and his consistently high command, he could be a potential breakout number three starter. Not ace, but not Junk.
Brandon Williamson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Good start, but Streamonator hates the next one, and I can’t recommend him yet.
Juan Soto – Beat IL on calf difficulty. I want to die. Dress me in death and let the pain wash over you like a wave receding from the shore or your hairline. Oh, don’t worry about me, I’ve got it [checks team] Thomas Saggese to cover him! I have no problems there! [reads The Bell Jar while head is in oven for the irony and death] Come on! I wasn’t expecting 35-40 steals, but we’re getting less than five, right? That’s what’s going to happen, right? I’m yelling at the ceiling because beyond it resides the Fantasy Baseball Overlord. So, this is disgusting, obviously, but it opens up a spot on Mark Vientos’ list. That makes the glass 1/100th full. Hope!
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. I’m so glad I’m back at Gunnar. If I missed this, I would bang my head against the wall.
Brandon Young – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, as Eflin’s rotation was called. There should be a nurse working in every hospital telling new parents, “Sorry, you can’t name your baby Brandon. We’re out of those.” So, Young has a 93 MPH fastball, four pitches, and excellent command. He’s tall and reminds me of Chris Young. Can he build a winning streak in Texas? I don’t know. He feels like an innings eater. I would leave him in AL-Only.
Jonathan India – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his second homer. I like the way the Indian police show that the police are hand in hand with the suspects. It’s very good. It’s like, “Here’s Fred Patel, accused of murder,” and the policeman is like, “Is that the new hand rub?”
Carter Jensen – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Trying to remember how many homers Bobby Witt Jr., Cagalianone and Pasquantino have. I don’t remember. Well, I’m moving on.
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.69. A decent ERA as my starting backs are my king.
Jose Ramirez – 0-for-2 as he becomes the number one goaltender in games played. Amazingly, I thought someone along the way would have over 1,620 games played. The Rockies have two guys who don’t have many. The Nats have two too many guys. The boy who held the record with the Rangers (Terry Turner) last played for them in 1918, when baseball was played on roller skates and players wore walnut shells over their ears. (I am a history buff.)
Steven Kwan – 2-for-4 with his first homer. You are the Kwan I want ooh ooh ooh. Sorry, I’m in my Grease phase.
Connor Griffin – 0-for-4 as he hits the 8th. Hunh, unrelated but Kevin McGonigle (1-for-5, 1 run) hit a leadoff hit, stole his first base.
Bubba Chandler – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 3.12 ERA. I watch a lot of Pirates games, and I’ve seen a lot of Bubba. His stuff is terrible but he can’t sing at all. Know where the ball is going. Like Oneil Cruz on the field.
Marquez from Germany – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Streamonator loves Nazis at the beginning of Exile, and I didn’t see that, although I did, in retrospect.
Brandon Woodruff – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.22. I rock ruff and tuff with my Woodruff starts, but I’ll persevere. In the meantime.
Brian Bello – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9.00 ERA. It’s pronounced Bay-Oh, like BO.
Wilson Contreras – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his second homer. He was showing his brother across the diamond how to do it! While losing by two.
Jordan Walker – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer. All my dreams feel like they can suddenly come true.
Ramon Urias – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his second homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!
James Wood – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Yesterday, Wood and Walker had a “Let’s make Grey’s heart swoon” contest.
Homes in Brady – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his second homer. Okay, lose Noelvi of the House.
CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. I’m so glad I got Abrams out of the leagues where I was picked in the 15th so he could carry me to power.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a pitcher before that feel like he could throw a 0.70 WHIP in a year.
Raleigh – 1-for-3 with his first homer. One down, 60 more to go-Yeah, aight.
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.40. The road to redemption begins now! If I said it last night. Well, I did, but you didn’t read it then. Can’t you sit in my office and I can read these things to you? I’m kidding! Get out of here! No, you can’t have that love fruit La Croix! Bring it back!
Cam Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Oh my God, it’s all coming Jordan Walker and Cam Smith. 2025 Gray is very happy! (2026 Gray again.)
Troy Johnston – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his second homer. Start all Rockies at home, forever.
Drake Baldwin – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. It would be heee-larious if Baldwin surpassed the Raleigh home run record by a catcher one year after setting it.
Chris Sale – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.94. I’m glad it’s not the only strikers I have who take the pooch out of a romantic dinner, then I go home a little how’s your father.
Zach Neto – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. Someone was messing with Neto in the preseason comments, and I’m not going to pull out the quotes or anything, but some of you need to repent.
Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Surprisingly, he didn’t try to hack himself.
Jose Soriano – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.45. You still don’t fully trust him, but like I said the last time he jumped, you just plan until things go sideways. There is no reason to question it.
Andrew Painter – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.82 vs. Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.97. This simile was called, “The Villager/Artist, that is, the guy your wife ran away with.” The artist took a big step back (watch out for the bucket!) and Houser isn’t really good, so [raspberries lips].
Luke Keachall – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Are you telling me the season wasn’t over after nine games and Keachall was gone? Hmm, ok, look!
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Buy it! ACTUALLY, in this week’s podcast we talk about some jars that we should buy.
Casey Mize – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.23. Also, just be normal. That’s all I ask.
Matt Shaw – 1-for-4 with his second homer, second homer in two days. Good for him to increase his trade value to the Cubs in his last week of play before Seiya returns.
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Fun fact! He tried to play for Team Italy in the WBC, saying to the coaches, “I Taillon.” Streamonator gives a little nod to Taillon’s next.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 0-for-4 as he struck out 8. How are dem PCA shares? Better than RCA stocks in the 1920s? Good!
Matthew Boyd – Hit the IL with a tight bicep. What a rare thing to find in a colander. Javier Assad was called to replace him. Assad is being returned to Syria.
Taylor’s Walls – 1-for-3, 1 run as activated from IL. The Rays selected Carson Williams. Shame Williams only made contact once every 60 at bats. Well, back to Taylor Walls who makes contact every 59 at bats.
Shane McClanahan – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.15, and pitched in 69 pitches. P is the worst letter behind 69 * bites. St- would be 2nd worst. Well, as long as it’s not Salem in the 1600s.
Bryan Baker – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 2.25. And you have new Rays at hand. dot dot. Until the next game where they go with someone like Ian Seymour back to Jax. When in doubt, take the last guy for a save: Baker.
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Cedric the HRtainer performing on “Better than Gavin Lux-or.”
Little Caminero – 1-for-4 with his second homer, second homer in two games. Thank you, Santa, for this fancy baby car!
Jonathan Aranda – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Brain thinks, “It would have been better to draft Aranda than Vinnie Pasketti.” Be quiet!
