On the phone, “War Room, hello? How’s your vacation after the draft season going? You’re in Turkey? Wow, that’s great! It must be lovely there. I heard their beaches are great. You heard that, but your travel agent was using an abbreviated nickname for Turkey? Oh, I’m sure that’s cool too. You thought you were in a travel agency… But you were in a travel agency? You worked because you were hungry, I’m calling because I want to thank you for writing to me Mark Vientos in all leagues. With Juan Soto’s injury, Vientos now has everyday playing time. How do you know that Soto will be injured? Didn’t you order a soda?” So, one’s ways to find Mark Vientos may not all be the same, but I’ll take Vientos now. His peripherals (small sample) look pretty good, and, while Soto is out, hopefully it will give Vientos time to move Baty on the depth chart (or Jorge Polanco or Semien or any of these bad hitters the Mets signed this offseason). “Oh, one last thing, War Room, is that why you told me to write Jake Burger?” Anyway, here are some players you can buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week ago to Patreon members. It will be released year round on Patreons, so if people are jumping on you, it’s because they paid $10. Anyway, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Daniel Susac – There’s probably still an NL-Only pickup, but he’s the only bright spot on the Giants’ roster, as they collectively pretend it’s the Dead Ball Era, and their bats are out of whack. If you missed that pun, read to your male dog and watch him cross his legs.
Liam Hicks – I would just like to say that Liam Hicks is not really bad with the bat. Unbelievable, but not bad. Are you a star? It’s impossible! But you are right. Are you the best hunter in Miami? No! He—Okay, I’m going to stop trying to sell him, because it makes him sound so bad.
Dalton Rushing – A little advice on how to get a jump on your competition. First, and most importantly, never say compete out loud, someone will have the right to punch you in the mouth for saying such a douchey word. Second, the 7-day Player Rater is active. You can see all the hot schmotatoes.
Josh Bell – Like Gosh A-Ring-Ding-Ding, as he was called by Sammy Davis Jr.
Jake Bauers – Like Make Sours, as Willy Wonka is known, okay, I’ll stop doing that now.
TJ Rumfield – I hope he never needs Tommy John surgery, but I’d love to hear the interview with the receptionist if he ever tests TJ.
Jonathan India – I wonder if India can sneeze at some of their teammates so they can start hitting hard. Especially when talking about Italians. Let’s think of it as a reimagining of the Marco Polo story, but instead of spices, it’s sneezes.
Max Muncy – Beautiful Muncy! NoCal Muncy! No-snacks-after-breakfast-you’ll-waste-your-lunch Muncy!
Ramon Urias – Hot schmotato, yes, but also don’t look at how many homers the Cards have on their Gorman/Urias team compared to what you have from your first round draft pick named Juan Soto.
Angel Martinez – He had one big game this week shooting the 7-day Player Evaluator, more than a few of my 1st drafts.
Edouard Julien – I have Julien in a few leagues so I try not to say this because it both benefits and hurts me, but he has been a hitter on the Rockies’ 1927 roster, which is good value.
Nasim Nunez – His bag-stealing while he was free to draft was one of the most mysterious things. Not quite as clear as Chandler Simpson, but shut up. Chandler hits for average, which I’ve told you many times. He was not a one-class cat. Yes, this is about Chandler Simpson in Nasim’s blurb, because there’s nothing to say about Nunez other than: Steals.
Homes in Brady – In children, he had 60-grade strength and 50-grade speed, and I loved him when he was promoted, so why did I and basically everyone else forget him in the draft? I’m not entirely sure, tee bee aitch. He’ll hit .230 at some point, but 25/10/.230? Isn’t that funny? Rhetorical!
Cam Smith – He should be 100% registered now, but he isn’t, so here he is.
Jordan Walker – I gave you my Jordan Walker dream last week. It was written while I was caring for an elderly hamster. “You said you had cheese!” he shouted into the old hamster’s ear.
Garrett Mitchell – My favorite guys were on the ladies shortlist this week: Mitchell, House and Vientos. I would say Cam Smith, but he should just be listed.
Jorge Soler – He’s been hot with the bat and flaming machismo!
Richie Palacios – [building a sand castle with a giant shaft coming out of the ground] This is Richie Palacios’ place.
Troy Johnston – Hi, I’m Troy Johnston, and you may remember me from the preseason rankings where I wasn’t ranked in the top 500 with Gray’s statements like, “Is he really the first baseman? Will he play? Who exactly is Troy Johnston?” He’s probably nothing more than a bat for Coors, but the Rockies hit him in the middle of the order and his final year in the minors produced 12/31 for Miami’s Triple-A team with just 314 ABs. Perhaps hindsight is 20/20. It wouldn’t completely shock me.
Marquez from Germany – This is the Streamonator’s call, like the call it makes to a robot it just met.
Jameson Taillon – This is also a Streamonator call. “If you like I can bring dinner to your place, no, I’m not laughing at your job.”
Didier Fuentes – Did, Dider, Didest, Didier! Save now!
Bryan Baker – It looks very good and can be intimate throughout the year, and be one of the biggest pictures. Even if you don’t get another save for three weeks because: Kevin Cash.
Gregory Soto – Pirates manager LL Donkey may go to Dennis Santana for the save, but if the lefty-heavyth shows up, maybe Soto will save it. And I’m 70% sure this is accurate. Soto could get money for the Pirates.
Bryan King – The Astros should only be around until Hader returns, not from the future or the past. Hader doesn’t have a time machine. Why would you think that? Reading Ashcraft’s blurb first? C’mon, these are meant to be read in order.
Hogan Harris – Saw Mark Leiter Jr. he was listed as Mark Leiter on CBS without Jr. and I made an email address [email protected] and I sent CBS an email cursing them, and telling them to put some respect on my name. We will let you know if they respond. The closest UA would be Hogan Harris or Mark Leiter Jr. (!) or none should be listed.
Jacob Junis – Pronounce his name JAH-cobb to hear something.
Caleb Kilian – I don’t know who the Giants are next. I want to say it’s Ryan Walker, though [shrugs]. The only thing that seems clear is that Tonnato Vitello is in over his head and throwing Hail Marys two weeks into the season to make something work. Maybe you’re consulting a space rock.
Graham Ashcraft – Looks like the first real big break to release. Yeah, it’s just like, six innings, so who knows, a middle reliever breakout is a shot in the dark for a few weeks, but he’s showing more velocity and was already throwing in the high 90s. He has an early K/9 that would put a young Hader to shame, if young Hader had a time machine and went to the future and looked at Ashcraft’s K/9.
Sell it
Pete Crow-Armstrong – To be honest, I still think it is too far to sell anyone. How do you know a guy has just two weeks of sample size? I don’t think he does. The first two weeks of Sells (Zack Wheeler, Mike Trout) were layups, because I don’t think you should put out a lot, like 12 games. I haven’t even made a move yet. Dumping guys in April is usually a good way to burn yourself out in May. I’ve said this many times, and I’ve ignored you, so I’m just saying it for fun. Well, I’m still here. I might be researching things I care about, like how long a person can live on sea monkey food, but I’m not. I am devoted to you! So, this sale is also janky because I told you to avoid PCA in the draft, but if you ignored me and want to act like a beaver and be damned, here is your chance! I still don’t like PCA. I wouldn’t trade Pete Crow-Armstrong for a bad-feeling doll, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore the options.
