yesterday, Jordan Alvarez he went 3-for-8, 3 runs with his 12th homer, hit .356, as he remains near the top of Player Rater. Captain Woo Cubano has become something of a cult icon. Rubber bands on his beard, mustard on his pressed sandwiches, long dongs–[Cancel Police break down the door]-I’m sorry! I was talking about the distance from his home! That is clear from the context! Captain Woo Cubano has the highest OPS of any Astros hitter through the first 32 games at 1.199. Runners-up: Bagwell (1.167), Berkman (1.159) can’t hold a candle to Yordong. [Cancel Police still dragging me out] Seriously, you’re hurting my ankles! I don’t know if the CWC can stay healthy, but, if it does, there is no reason to think that this will end suddenly. I’ve been waiting for Jordan’s 50-homer season his entire career, and it’s finally here. May his dongs never fall! [Cancel Police hitting me with the billy club] Okay, that hurts! Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Peter Lambert – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3.52 ERA. His base numbers are still pretty good so I can’t hate on Lambert like I’m Blake Shelton.
Lance McCullers Jr. – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 6.32. He’s been extremely unlucky, but his walk rate is 4.9 BB/9, which is ridiculous. I wonder on pure speculation and nothing else if he had to change something fundamental about how he rides to try to stay healthy, and it helps with that, but he can’t repeat his moves now, and his command is a mess.
Cam Smith – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .219. Cam Smith was never Jordan Walker. However! The current sting holds something. Trickery? No, it’s not. Longing for something missing? Yes, that’s it.
Chris Bassitt – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.46. Streamonator hates the next one, but he’s against the Marlins, and I’m kind of like eff it, but there’s a downside to it.
Jeremiah Jackson – 2-for-8, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .281. He was hitting 9th in the 2nd game, after hitting a grand slam in the 1st game. Imagine Jackson Holliday hitting a grand slam in the first game of a doubleheader and going 9th in the 2nd. It’s not hard if you try-Shut up, John Lennon, it’s hard! It wouldn’t happen.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. I recently spent more time than I care to admit (45 seconds) watching Adley keep his promise after all these years, and [shrugs] he is a 20/.270 hitter. There is significance to that, but he hasn’t changed much.
Heston Kjerstad – His rehab assignment is about to begin, that is, Heston’s expectations are just around the corner. That makes Heston a bodega cat.
Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. I can’t help but see the players who were in the WBC struggling everywhere. I might make something up in my head. But, guess what, this is where you do things! You don’t do things on your leg!
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5 with his 8th homer. Haha, no, you don’t know me at all! I can’t imagine how well Lowe is doing compared to Jazz! I think about how well Lowe is doing compared to the Jazz, Keachall, Altuve, and Ketel!
Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .284. You’ve been hearing rumblings of Walker’s displeasure for the past week or so, after his first hit single. You can’t really be in and out of “football,” but, just a quick fyi, players don’t stay hot or cold all season long.
JJ Wetherholt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He ends the first full month of baseball near the top 30 on Player Rater. Like Harrison Ford’s Jewish Quarter, not too bad! (Really, Rod Carew? Not a Jew, he never converted. It was a myth.)
Kyle Finnegan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.57. Don’t think Kenley Jansen is out of a job, but is he? [turns towards the waves lapping against the ocean, contemplatively swoops hair back] Yes, but Kenley is not removed, unless we hear that he is injured.
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, 3.35 ERA. I’m glad the starter I wrote finally passed Hormuz. Being named Valdez made it fun and easy.
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.88. I will not tell again how I took him to FAAB in the first week, like, $ 7 thousand, which is less than a dollar if $ 100, only to tell that I will not count it again.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Considering the Mets are cursed from the ground up to the players’ eyeballs, it’s surprising how good FreddyKBB stays after the game. [motions wildly at everything Mets].
CJ Abrams – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Curtis Jackson finished April in the twenty-second spot on Player Rater.
Gus Varland – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2.84 ERA, and his third save. Don’t think you’re in the weekly shopping column later today, but here you are now. Rewarding those of you who read all things!
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, all five homers came last week. There is no schmotato hotter in this Land of Schmotatoes.
Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.97. Okay, but I wouldn’t start him anywhere. I would wait to see one significant start before considering it.
Michael Soroka – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.70. “Hey, how are you? Nice, or I guess, tres bien. So, I had a question, I know you’re a museum that specializes in the French Revolution, right? Cool, so is your guillotine in working order?” This start wasn’t great, obviously, but Soroka’s numbers still look solid. I know, not what you want to hear.
Brandon Woodruff – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3.60 ERA. His fastball topped out at 86.9 MPH and was out of the game, but the Brewers said Woodruff was not in pain. Oh…[walks from Vancouver to Cape Horn]…good. Not sure if it’s better if he was in pain or not, think it’s a toss-up, and probably a soft toss if it’s Woodruff. He’s headed for an MRI to see if they can find out if he’s in pain.
Sal Frelick – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer, hitting .211, 2nd homer in three games. Frelick is busy with Bobby Witt Jr. He will call the HAHAHAHAHAHA Store to book a straitjacket fitting. Frelick won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, but he’s hot.
William Contreras – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .288. There came a triple moment in the cycle. John Buck, you are not!
Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and his 3rd homer in four games, and his first homer in a week after Wednesday!
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his fourth homer, hitting .291. Buxton is good, so is Jeffers and that’s just hitting for the Twins. Member for a while they were trying to make Caratini their DH? Check out the big brain on Derek Shelton!
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Every year: Good peripherals and good results. This year: Some of the worst hits of his career and a 3.55 ERA. It will not last, methinks, and instruments like lepruchuan.
Ryan Walker – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4.26 ERA, and his second save. Don’t Walker, run off waivers and add Erik Miller (1 IP, 0 ER, 3.18 ERA)? I think they pick Walker or another righty, but you can if you want.
Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Webb gem!
Christopher Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.90. All the basic numbers say he’s still an ace, if, you know, you want to buy a little bit of a low situation.
Kyle Schwarber – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers, hitting .225. Schwarbombs over Baghdad! I miss Outkast.
Michael Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs and slam (3) and legs (3), hitting .274. [pokes Bobby Witt Jr. with a stick, nothing] Hmm…[puts stick’s point in a fire until it glows red, pokes Witt again, still nothing]
Noah Cameron – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.40. After I posted my Noah Cameron recliner, the Royals announced they were going on the wire. It’s not good news, but Cameron managed to quell any concerns by being just as bad on the road.
Jeffrey Springs – Left the game with hip pain. Springs is like a Slinky that has fallen on its side. I was pre-med.
Nick Kurtz – 1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .236. He has now gone 19 straight games. The record is 22, set in 1947 by Roy Cullenbine. On his tombstone, it says, Roy Cullenbine walked so everyone could walk. It’s about time we started appreciating Roy Cullenbine more. [pauses a millisecond to appreciate Roy Cullenbine] Okay, we’re good.
