Patrick Duffy gets out of the shower and we realize that hiding Didier Fuentes for a month from multiple teams to nurse him was a dream. It never happened. Also, another sign that it was a dream was that I had a big tongue and Giancarlo Stanton was wearing a ripped bikini. Instead of that nightmare of hiding Didier and the worst language thing, I wake up to see JR Ritchie it was in all my groups. It was only then that I realized that this was a real dream and I was with Didier and I was wearing a mascot-like tongue dress. That’s right, Didier! Why wouldn’t you look like JR Ritchie (7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks)? In Triple-A, Ritchie averaged 9.2 K/9, 4.3 BB/9, and a 0.99 ERA in 27 1/3 IP, and, in 140 IP last MiLB year, went 9 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 2.64 ERA. Itch previously said, “The 35th overall pick in 2022, 6’2” 185 lb Ritchie started the Futures Game this season and could have made the majors had Atlanta continued to stay in contention. He enjoyed a bit of a burst of velocity this season and recorded a 2.64 ERA and 1.01 WHIP in 140 innings spread across three levels, producing similar results at each level due to the added control of the three-pitch mix (fastball, slider, changeup). He’s shown potential with spin and command that suggests he can add pitches throughout the season. I would like to put stitches on the other side of the Grey.” What? So, I love Ritchie, what’s not to love? The big problem is if Strider returns any day now, where does Ritchie go? Maybe Reynaldo gets a bump from the rotation, maybe they go to six men, but none of this is clear. What is clear is that I have to change into this giant tongue dress, before I am arrested. Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .297. Comatose Acuña Drafter wakes up a month later, “Wow, all the Braves are doing well, huh? I like that to me! What does Acuña have, 12 homers? 10 steals? Hitting .330? Why is everyone coming out of the hospital room and covering their faces with my Get Well balloons?”
CJ Abrams – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer, hitting .292. So, I have my monocle pressed up to the last split. Orange Juice was strong last April, but had 3.9 BB% and 23.4%, which is clearly lower than this year’s 11.9 BB% and 16.5 K%. He’s actually better this year. Maybe he’s not perfect or a 35-homer guy, but if he goes 25/30/.275, that’s a top 20 number.
James Wood – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer. I have wood – Ew! That’s not the case! – I edit Wood – It still sounds bad! Okay, I’m telling you this so you know I have no motivations for Wood to have a big start last year. I hope he can continue, but we’ve seen this before. He’s been more effective at this point this season than last year, with last year’s K% up to 40% in July. Trust me, I want to make a mistake so I can be nervous. April last year:
Cade Cavalli – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Have him in an NL-Only league, and he’s been around all year. Solid K’s, few runs, 4-6 IP and no decision. It’s the Cade Cavalli way.
Riley Cornelio – Called up by the Nats to make his debut tonight. “Hehe, The Great Cornelio, hehe.” Has 13.2 K/9 in Triple-A (whoa), and has improved well in the minors. The Great Cornelio is the equivalent of a monocle in the mixed leagues, and he was able to see him catch a broadcast against the White Sox.
Tyler Glasnow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. This was against the Giants, who are somewhat close to .500 as a team that thinks their hitting is ridiculous. Glasnow is beautiful, obviously. Caveat: For 1o0 more innings.
Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.84, and earned 1 save for Edwin. Scott can be the closer from now until Edwin returns in three months. Or step up and let someone else in the picture. For shallow leagues, I’ll continue with Vesia, Treinen, and SAGNOFstakes.
Logan Webb – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Webb was eaten by Glasnow. Is Webb important? Hmm, you know what I mean.
Davis Martin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Davis Martin graduated (for a bad pitcher you can ignore)! Davis Martin graduated! So, the basic numbers say he’s a rare hitter, but he’s a good fit in the deep leagues as long as he has his walk rate close to the minor leagues. So, Streamonator, basically.
Michael Soroka – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Unlike Martin above (hell say Jerry Lewis), Soroka is a shallow league pitcher. He throws in an unusual way. No mediocre, say TI (Not Texas Instruments, you boomers!)
Victor Vodnik – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.59. Victor Vodnik sounds like MF DOOM’s nickname, and if possible, that line from yesterday is MOTHER**** DOOM.
Mickey Moniak – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers, and for the third time this year he has already hit two homers in a game. I think Bobby Witt Jr. he has two runs all year. Any hoo!
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and picked up every hitter for the Padres and Diamondbacks in this week’s series in Mexico.
Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.72. He went to Player Rater to see where Tarik ranked for the year and he was next to Ildemaro Vargas. [shrinks and dives into a thimble vodka] Bye bye now.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer, second homer in two games. This boy always reminds me of my dad throwing me into the ocean saying, “Snorkel, son!” Any hoo! He’s clearly hot, but he won’t be in the Buy column this afternoon, because I think he’s been drafted in over 50% of leagues.
Riley Greene – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his second homer, hitting .289. Two hormones? Those are rookie numbers! You have to find those numbers!
Brandon Sproat – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.45. I’m going to start a competitor to Bananas of the Savannah called Bananas Up The Ol’ Tailpipe, and I’m going to be the one writing the unproven starters that hurt me.
Abner Uribe – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.82. An emoji whose smile is so strong that it starts to cry.
Francisco Lindor – Hit the IL with a sharp calf, and it will come out “very slowly” as it is heavy. The only certainties in this life are death, taxes and the curse of the Mets. Ronny Mauricio was remembered. That memory went something like this, “Bring that guy up who does that thing…what’s it called? Play baseball? Yeah, that guy…Which guy plays baseball? Uhhh…Ronny Mo-something?”
Christian Scott – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, zero hits, 5 BBs, 1 K, as listed above. A person who does not hit in his debut! Woohoo!
Brett Baty – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his first homer. It’s cool when 15-homer hitters don’t hit, say, seven in the first month and give you false hope.
Carson Benge – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Benge is the dream equivalent of beige.
Devin Williams – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA down to 10.29. I’m kidding, but only a little. It reached 10.29. And, barely.
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.90. He also gave up three catches due to a heart-stopping box scare. I need to lower my ticker.
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. The hitters were nomnomnomnomnom’ing in the Mets bullpen. It’s party time, baby!
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I failed to mention his home run the other day hitting the top of the foul pole, because I missed it. I’ve seen it now and damn. I remember why I loved him for three years in a row when he was disappointed. My white whale!
Bubba Chandler – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. I don’t trust Bubba, he said, sounding like Newt Gingrich.
Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. May 12 is his IL debut. Don’t blame me, blame this stupid stupid ring!
Evan Carter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Carter being evil and producing outside Langford is classic Carter and Langford!
Jacob deGrom – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Not to be a beggar and a picker here, but I’d love it if he threw in a little contact, and went 7 IP.
Dean Kremer – Hit IL with proper quad strain. Brandon Young was reinstated and will start on Friday. Here’s what I said last time when he was called, “There should be a nurse working in every hospital who tells new parents, “Sorry, you can’t name your baby Brandon. We are out of those.” So, Young has a 93 MPH fastball, four pitches, and excellent command. He’s tall and reminds me of Chris Young. Can he build a winning streak in Texas? I don’t know. He feels like an innings eater. I will leave him in AL-Only.” And I’m the one you’re quoting!
Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, as named above. You’d think New York would be better equipped to deal with Tolle. High five me! Right now! No? That’s right. So, I saw the start, and he cruised through three innings, then seemed to lose his command completely. Y’know, rookie stuff, but he settled in and looked solid overall. His 90 MPH changeup and 83 MPH curve were terrible. I don’t know where he goes when Gray comes back. He is Grey, not me Grey. I was going to roll Bello into the swing, but I don’t know if Sawx would be able to.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his first homer. “Hey, let’s just support him in the green can, it’s picking up the trash tomorrow–Get up! You’re moving! Jazz is alive!” However, I still wonder if he is there. Funny how you celebrated this home run, imagine you’re hitting .180 and the home run was a Fenway special that went 333 feet.
Cam Schlittler – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.77. He could be the first of three to five starters this year. Nothing I see in him seems particularly smoke-n-mirrors’y.
Edward Cabrera – 7 IP, 3 ER (2 more earned), 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Another way to avoid a setback is to not score runs. We call it “score writer Emmanuel Clase.”
Caleb Thielbar – Gave up a slow homer to Adolis Garcia (third), then left the field. The Cubs’ closeness was fleeting, but not all seasons, he wrote on a Hallmark card when a CVS employee showed up and kicked him out of the store for writing on their cards. I don’t know who the Cubs will call up now to close, if Thielbar is FUBAR’d. I’m thinking Jacob Webb or Hoby Milner. No, I don’t feel good about those suggestions.
Ian Happ – 2-for-6, 3 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .250. He’s not bad at all and no one wants to draw him.
Michael Busch – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his second homer, and second homer in two games. Put your hands and arms in, we should close the Buy Low window.
Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, third straight game with a homer. Football!
Brandon Marsh – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .300. Has anyone ever asked him if Marsh keeps his beard like he has a swamp donkey?
Christopher Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.94. Can you buy cheap? Then do it! Unless you’re a…chicken! And if you are the chicken, what came first, you or the egg? Always wondering.
Taijuan Walker – Released by the Phillies. Taijuan Walker was last seen on Broad Street asking strangers if they saw his slide. They didn’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if in ten years, we’re watching an episode of Storage Wars and we open up an old storage unit and they find Taijuan Walker’s slide.
