I did this for myself. I made fun of Walker Buehler too Dustin May yesterday. Unofficial quote, “The resurgence of Buehler and Dustin May is one of the most interesting developments this year. It’s officially ranked 15,670 on the impressive development list, just after Troy Johnston with two T’s in his name. It’s not Troy Johnson. Or Roy Johnston,” and now I’m freakin’ 0 May 9, writing all IP, May 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.75. To close out the perfect game, one hitter would be hard for me to completely write off the Padres being incredibly bad. I mean there are, but this is Dustin May aka The Human Giant Carrot (look him up). In his last 74 1/3 IP, he has a 2.54 ERA, 0.98 WHIP. That’s his year minus his first two rough starts. Sweeping seems to be the difference. He throws it with 33% Whiff and 25.7% PutAway. His speed is high and everything works well. This is what I’m saying about how we should draft pitchers based on coaches. Whatever they do in St. Louis is working. Dustin’s arm measurement went from 21 degrees when he went to St. Louis we went to 38 last night. He is a different pitcher. I could see myself picking him up anywhere. So, well, what’s more exciting than Roy Johnstone…Ttroy Johnson…T’roy Johns’one? Why can’t I remember? Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mason Miller – He entered the bereavement list. Maybe Jason Adam or Adrian Morejon got the potential save. That’s just two guys, by the way. Not four plus.
Drake Baldwin – Configured in IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him Your Lineup” Department said, “You know how they say ‘everyone puts their pants on the same way, one leg at a time?’ I tried to prove that that was wrong but I failed.”
Spencer Strider – Braves said he will be out for a month, then get an MRI. Man, this sucks. Dude washed them more than my white denim jacket. You can dump him if you don’t have room. He wasn’t good for a month until the MRI said they were hoping for good news, and probably expecting bad news.
Troy Melton – Scratched with stiffness of the back. I scratch my back because of itchiness, but I think I’m built differently.
Colt Keith – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .267. I’m sorry, what? I checked two different sources because I didn’t believe it. Three homers from Colt Keith is like walking into the couch and finding a twenty dollar bill and the bill written over the combination of a safe containing a million dollars. “I found a million dollars in my couch cushion!” That’s Colt Keith’s owner. He had one homer coming into the game! Why can’t Tatis do such a stupid thing? Colt Keith hit more homers in one game than Tatis did all year! I need to sit down. I feel ashamed.
Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .282. I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on this. Three homers from Cool Colt Keith?! Is that a sign of the apocalypse?
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer, hitting .210, three homers in last four games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, what was that from Cool Colt Keith?!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer, hitting .238, and 2nd homer in two games. Fun fact! Altuve is not the height of the Spaniard.
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-1, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .232. I was about to start getting excited about Paredes, like splashing water on my face, I looked at Player Rater and he’s like Brent Headrick and Oswald Peraza.
Kai-Wei Teng – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Streamonator had this starting at $18, and I wish I had listened.
Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .236. Okay, so you’re going home for the Twins’ next game. Good.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 with his 23rd homer, hitting .276, six homers in last nine games. As long as I put him in the top 25 overall, he’ll be hurt from that day until the day I pick him again. This is my money back guarantee.
MacKenzie Gore – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.27. I just did a little digging into Gore’s history. What was he doing with Tipper-[intern whispers in ear]-Was that the wrong Wikipedia page? Oh man. So, Gore is completely unpredictable, not just from game to game, but watch him. He is all over the map from inning to inning.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .246. The Rangers came close to the top of the AL West, but were sadly knocked out of contention earlier this year when they willingly beat Joc repeatedly, and were told they couldn’t be taken seriously.
Gabriel Rincones Jr. – 1-for-4 with his first homer in his first major league hit. Itch had this to say about Rincones, “A 6’3” 225 pound lefty, Rincones Jr. it has a subtle look as close to power play. He might not be able to play a role on a high-dollar roster like Philadelphia, but he’s such a good hitter that a second-tier team could take a chance on him as an everyday option that rotates between the outfield spots. In 119 games at Triple-A this year, he’s slashed .240/.370/.430 with 18 runs, 21 stolen bases and a 22.5 percent strikeout rate, good for a 113 wRC+, and I want to lock Gray in my dungeon.” I’m sorry, what? Rincones has power and speed but was hitting .215 in the minors and, as Itch said above, the Phillies have higher aspirations than that. They traded for someone in July, but maybe the Rincones are ready for a few weeks on the tight end of a team with Derek Hill.
JT Realmuto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .211, 2nd homer in two games. Jerry Tomato is hitting .211, and I just cried to the moon. Well, I think Realmuto is schmotato – Realmotato?
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.01. 62.2 IP this year, 62 Ks, 2.01 ERA, 0.85 WHIP, and I saw someone ask if he is a HOFer and I can be sure.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .222, three homers in five games. I get the sense that people are giving up on Eugenio. Well, I’m not a pudding and I won’t be in such a hurry. Suarez is one of the few hitters to hit 20+ homers in the second half.
Chase Burns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Smugly in March, “You listed Chase Burns and Misiorowski as your first two pitchers? Sorry, but I have Skenes and Hunter Brown. Take a nap.”
JJ Bleday – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .272, and 2nd homer in two games. He only played three games in April! Sorry, sometimes I like to point that out.
Christian Scott – Hit the IL by inserting the hip. Hey, man, go easy on the hip HOP! [a giant cane pulls me off stage]
Tobias Myers – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.71. A tough break (for the Reds batsmen) that he pulled early. You know, the Mets got things figured out. They could be the first team to spend $300 million and have the worst record. Amazing action!
Dylan Crews – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .195, 2nd homer in four games. Feels like it’s too early to say if she’s hot or schmotato or hot schmotato, but I think she’s hot.
Romy Gonzalez – The Red Sox said that when he returns, he will play a lot. Was it a threat? Is it a sequel to the recently announced sequel to Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion? Is it brave?
Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .239. The Dodgers have an eight-game lead in the division and Tucker has never been hot. If I had to bet would you be hot? I would guess that yes, which will end up with a nagging injury.
Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.37. The Dodgers aren’t cheating, but, if they were, turning Lauer into a serviceable starter would be something a cheating team could do.
Nick Martinez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. He has a 5.4 K/9. Oh, sorry, that made me laugh. Who are you, Doyle Alexander?
Ryan Vilade – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .299. She’s still a pretty average source, when she plays, which is much rarer than Rihanna’s albums.
Ryan Waldschmidt – Opted to return to Triple-A. Jordan Lawlar took him aside and told him not to worry, Waldschmidt would be back, then sent down, then promoted, then demoted, then back to the majors, then sent back to the majors only to not play, then sent down, then sent back to the majors only to be injured immediately.
Pavin Smith – 2-for-4 with his first homer, hitting .152. Halfway to Tatis!
Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.97. I just can’t. You’d rather take a chance on a bad pitcher like Walbert who is pitching better than he should be than someone with an ERA close to 5.
Grayson Rodriguez – Hit IL with back inflammation. Sincerely, I feel bad for this guy. If he wants to get any part of the real estate market in Florida, he better hurry. Alex Kirilloff is the King of Tampa, though. He says, “KOT – Keep on Touch – King of Tampa! That’s me!” Someone said to him, “Don’t you mean, contact each other?” And he punched them.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .230, and 2nd homer in five games. Do you know GLPs? Do they have injury prevention?
Donovan Walton – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .310, and 2nd homer in two games, hot schmotato alert! Wait a minute, the Angels have Walbert pitching and Walton pitching? Do they have a hope called Tarzhay?
Walbert Urena – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.60. The retreat will be a tsunami-level event.
Jared Jones – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.23. I never told you to start him, Streamonator was like, “Hell no,” but I can’t stand a double starter either [bends over for spanking] I was a bad boy.
Andy Rodriguez – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer, hitting .268. I’m strangely confused by Endy and his ability to walk and not crash. Prolly it’s NL-Only, but a cyclops with a monocle, for sure.
JT Ginn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.91. His 7.9 K/9, 3.7 BB/9 peripherals are the epitome of meh. The key is Meh, as the kids say.
Nick Kurtz – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers, hitting .293. Dreamy eyes, “You hurt me.”
Jeff McNeil – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .238. He was beaten by Colt Keith in one game!
Cole Carrigg – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .259. Well, I’m not immune to the hype. I’ll move on to the K-Cup with Braden Montgomery. I still love Braden, though.
Shota Imanaga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. He’s long overdue to get his garbage ERA back to a normal 3.40, but this start has also pitted the Suckies against the Suckies in a road game, making them especially Suckie.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .277 as he hit for the cycle. He hit a homer, tripled, doubled, singled, and, in one, was ejected during a standing ovation. That sounds like it captures PCA pretty well. The last time Armstrong went to the cycle, it was PED vs. PETE.
